Thanks for coming over here to the Big Aspergers Education Debate.
Please let me know your thoughts and experiences of your child’s education; whatever the setting (be it home schooling. main stream school, special educational school, residential school, private school etc.).
I really would love to hear more on things like:
Does it work for your child?
What are the positives?
What are the negatives?
How is the academic side, and how is the social side?
Do you have a particular story to illustrate your point?
You can add your story in the “Leave A Reply” section below this short blog post.
Thanks for participating,
Dave Angel
I am the mom of a beautiful 8 year old boy on the spectrum. The past 3 1/2 years of public school have been a nightmare! I have already filed a Due Process against my school district, and I agreed to a settlement that provided my son with 10 hours of individual tutoring over the summer, since our district does not offer ESY. As a clinical social worker myself, I can tell you that Educators have NO IDEA how to work with children on the Autism Spectrum. Even special education teachers, who are suspose to be the experts in this area are lost when it comes to working with my agressive Aspie. I have had to get my attorney involved again in order to get the district to comply with the other part of the settlement – hiring a BCBA to come to the school and observe my child in his LRE (even though that is now a small room with a one-on-one para). With only 15 days left until Christmas break, I am sure they [school district] have succeeded in dragging out the eval until Spring semester. To me it is very black and white – Educators are educators- they main goal is to teach. Mainstreaming is too painful for ME to endure for my child. I was so happy he was included on a local field trip this Fall and was actually allowed to ride the bus to the location. I knew he was very excited about this, so I asked him who he sat with on the bus – when he told me “nobody”, my heart sank; then I got MAD because I realized that other MOM’s were on the bus and not one of them stepped up to sit with my first grader with Asperger’s. I would much rather him be around other kids/parents on the Autism Spectrum. ASD kids need to learn how to behave in order to be able to learn. My child has a 121 IQ – but his behavior impedes his ability to learn. Until the school systems, Board of Education and Dept of Education understand this, I am doubtful that ASD kids will ever get what they need in public schools. Our kids need clinicians first and educators second.
Thanks for this heart felt and open comment. Sounds like he’s lucky to have a mom with the knowledge and appetite to fight for his rights.
Dave
sounds like our boys are two peas. We have had such a fight with the public school, because his meltdowns look EI. He is going to an EI classroom starting tomorrow….not where I want him at all, but I am hopeful the one 0n one attention will be good for him.
My aspie tends to get aggressive and meltdown as well. He is 13. He is in a mainstream class and has been for a couple of years now. He has a child-specific aide that is with him all day to help tackle the situation if it starts to get out of hand. She will lead him out to calm down and will communicate daily with us on what has gone on that day. She makes sure he writes down his homework and uses any of his assistive technology if he needs it. Yes, it sets him apart some, but he is learning to sit and learn in a regular classroom and his classmates are learning about differences people have and how to accept them. We have been lucky that we have not experienced the problem of bullying – maybe it happens behind his back, but since there is always an adult around, it never happens to his face. We are working to lessen his time with this aide and teach him to start doing some of these things on his own, but it’s a process as you all must surely know! We also have a reward system in place that the aide carries out at school. It took us 5 years of constant pushing in the IEP meetings to get this aide, but it has been good for my son.
I have a 19-year-old Asperger’s son. When he was in his first year of public high school (9th grade), it was so stressful that he developed bleeding ulcers and became amazingly ill. I believe a child in survival mode cannot begin to perform at his best, so I home schooled him for 5 out of 7 hours of the day. I am a single mother, so this was very difficult. The next year he went to school one more hour a day, and added another in-school hour the next year. By his final year of high school- because he was allowed to be safe but also gradually pushed farther beyond his comfort zone- my son graduated as Valedictorian of his class, was playing the cello in a community orchestra as well as playing the guitar in a garage band, no longer had bleeding ulcers, had built a small group of friends with whom he spent time, and had in all ways simply blossomed. I truly believe had I not allowed him the time to regroup and step into the ocean of high school a little at a time that his body may have shut down entirely. Stress doesn’t only destroy the bodies of adults.
Because of his small successes, he chose to go to a college 5 states away from home, made a 3.9, and is still going strong in his second year.
We have to know our children, and gently push them and enlarge their horizons while balancing their needs at the same time. At least that has been my experience, and it was totally different with him than it was with his older and younger brothers.
Like.
Ditto on the amazing part. You’re words gave me such hope. My son is 13 and will be entering HS and I’m scared speechless. School from day one has been nightmarish to say the least. I’m a single mom as well. Do you mind sharing with me how you were able to stay home with him and still keep things afloat financially?
I didn’t stay home with him. I worked it out with my boss so that he could come to work with me part time. I also worked it out with a friend who had small children that we would swap time. I took care of her children some nights and weekends so she and her husband could have time out together and she took Matthew during the hours we needed her help. That won’t work for everyone, but its a start. Be creative, think outside (or nowhere near) the box. He and I also made a schedule for home that worked for both of us, and he did some work at night or on weekends. Even though that was difficult for us both (neither of us felt like we got a lot of downtime), it was still so much better than the amazing stress of being in school full time and the meltdowns that were part of it. I DID have to bully the school, though. The ADA (Americans With Disabilities Act) states that a school (and other settings) has to provide “Goods, services, facilities, privileges, advantages, and accommodations shall be afforded to an individual with a disability in the most integrated setting appropriate to the needs of the individual.” You have to be prepared. Get whoever diagnosed your child on your side, ask them to write a proposal (which you guide- or write it and ask them to sign it) of what would be in your child’s best interest, have a copy of the ADA with you (appropriate passages highlighted) when you go to speak to the school. Start with whoever will be your advocate in the school setting, then work your way through the channels. It’s not a quick process, but well worth your time. And I tried to work with the school, explaining that this was a temporary measure that would change over the next few years. It was in the best interest of Matthew’s body and mind. When a child is sick and unable to come to school for a certain period of time, the school has to make allowances (within reason), even to the point of tutoring that child at home. I used that policy along with the Americans with Disabilities Act. I was at the school probably once every two months going to bat for him, but I held my ground and they got tired of seeing me. It helped that my son was very respectful and well behaved when he was there, it made it so much easier for them to want to help him. Also, I had to fight for his Valedictorian position because the school didn’t want to count the language credits that he had taken during his home schooling hours with a valid curriculum. My frustration was acute. I explained that it was like a one-legged man winning the 400m race in the Olymics and they wanted to take his medal because he used a prosthetic leg. In the end, dogged determination and diplomacy won out. It is very difficult to battle for your children and not get angry, but it is the way to win the war. Good luck and fight the good fight!
What an encouraging story. Thank you. I needed to hear that. I have an 11yr. old son with Asbergers. I’ve been homeschooling him since the 3rd grade. He has dyslexia as well, so reading is very difficult for him. We’re trying to join the Building Bridges program in Plano, Tx. They have special teachers and come to your house to teach your child, but the program is very expensive. In the mean time, I’m just doing my best teaching him.
Wow – What a great transformation. I really like the idea that you used both schooling and home schooling in a measured way to get the best for him…
Here is an extract from the only comparative study of socialization in Home Education vs Mainstream Schooling. It appears that mainstream schools damage socialization and do nothing for academic progress. This isn’t even taking into account the extra difficulties faced by a child with Aspergers in the educational system. Having children in both systems and particularly from meeting groups of home educated children this is not a surprise to me. School needs to take a lot of lessons from Home Education.
From: “Home Schooling and the Question of Socialization,” Peabody Journal
of Education, Vol. 75 (2000): 107-23.
“Shyers (1992a, 1992b), in the most thorough study of home-schooled children’s social behaviour to date, tested 70 children who had been entirely home-schooled and 70 children who had always attended traditional schools. The two groups were matched in age (all were 8-10 years old), race, gender, family size, socioeconomic status, and number and frequency of extracurricular activities. Shyers measured self-concept and assertiveness and found no significant differences between the two groups.
The most intriguing part of the study, however, involved observing the children as they played and worked together. Small groups of children who all had the same school background were videotaped while playing in a large room equipped with toys such as puzzles, puppets, and dolls. The children were then videotaped again in a structured activity: working in teams putting puzzles together for prizes.
Each child’s behaviour was rated by two observers who did not know whether the children they were rating were home-schooled or traditionally schooled. The observers used the Direct Observation Form of the Child Behaviour Checklist . . . , a checklist of 97 problem behaviours such as argues, brags or boasts, doesn’t pay attention long, cries, disturbs other children, isolates self from others, shy or timid, and shows off. The results were striking — the mean problem behaviour score for children attending conventional schools was more than eight times higher than that of the home-schooled group. Shyers (1992a) described the traditionally schooled children as “aggressive, loud, and competitive” (p. 6). In contrast, the home-schooled children acted in friendly, positive ways.”
Thanks Seamus. Pretty interesting stuff…
“The results were striking — the mean problem behaviour score for children attending conventional schools was more than eight times higher than that of the home-schooled group. Shyers (1992a) described the traditionally schooled children as “aggressive, loud, and competitive” (p. 6). In contrast, the home-schooled children acted in friendly, positive ways.”
My son was diagnosed with Aspergers when he was 13 years old. He was in school during the late 1980′s and early 1990′s. Teachers did not know anything about Aspergers and put him in with the emotional behavioral challenged students. He also was bullied and had no friends. It was a disaster. We were advised to take him out of school and send him to group homes. I regret the whole experience. I wish I had home schooled him. I don’t believe he would have been so miserable. He now lives at home and is too afraid to get a job or go to school. I hope schools have learned better ways to teach children like my son.
Sorry to hear that Diane. Could he benefit from some peer support at http://www.wrongplanet.net
Dave
Below is my response to Diane, I hope I did this right. My name is Amy. It should show up.
Hi, I haven’t been on in a while to read peoples q&a’s. Tonight I happened to look at my email from Dave Angel. I have never wrote anything on this site, I just read everything. You moved me so much about your son. I am so sorry this happened to you with the schools, dealing with everything that is Aspergers. My son just turned 12 a few days ago. We took him out of public school 3 years ago because he was getting sick from fear at school. THEY told us he was fine. He was in special needs class at first. Too long of story to write right now, but we had IEP’s talked with the head of ASD,school phd, everyone we could. We we’re treating him like a 3 year old THEY said. So, his 2nd year they told us he could be in ” mainstream” 2nd. gr. all day long, WITH a HELPER when he needed it. THEY could tell if he was getting stressed out. WE we’re so happy after that meeting, we thought the bad stuff was behind us . That was just the beginning. Mind you, we have one of the best programs for ASD in our county. We had a program called ” KNOTS” for Kids Need Opportunites To Socialize. Well our sons helper was helping another child with ADHD, and our boy was left alone because they said he was so smart and manlipunating us and the teachers to get his way to be able to go back to easier class. We thought cool, he is that smart. He’ll be fine. Well, he got so sick with stress, worry, he couldn’t eat, sleep. It was horrible for all of us. He at one point cried uncontrollably, we knew this was not normal for him. He was so scared to go to school. We went through this every night and morning for a while until he said to us one night. After his shower that we still have to make sure he washes himself good, He said to us as he was in between sobs, ” I just want you both to know if anything happens to me, you are the best parents in the world and I love you. My husband and I just looked at each other, we knew what we had to do, one way or another. We said to him, Don’t you worry, Everything will be ok. We now have homeschooled for 3 years. Maybe not the best college educated teachers, because we’re not. But our boy is happy again, and eatting and sleeping, and he Is smart way more than we can even comprehend. The lesson I’ve learned is you know your kid, you know what’s best for him. He is still scared we’ll make him go back. I’m afraid of his future schooling cause it’s getting so hard. We can’t afford a tutor. I just pray we did the right thing and take it a day at a time. Sorry so long. Take care of your son and yourself. Amy Pena from Saginaw,Mi. USA email pena_amy@sbcglobal.net… Whew, I feel better now LOL
P.S. to Diane, I know as a mother you did your best, I’m sure. It is very hard dealing with your kid, school. Sometimes you don’t know what to do. I really hope your son and you are ok. Is there any obsession of his that he loves enough to make it a job, career? I’m really concerned for you. Please write back. I worry all the time what the future holds for my Michael, I can see myself in your shoes. Thank -you and also Thanks to Dave for having this site. Some parents just stay in the background for a couple years and just read posts, and then we find we’re participating.
To Amy Pena-I cried during your whole posting because the words are all to familiar.My son is 15 and we had to take him out of the highschool because he was so stressed and sick.The psychiatrist keeps telling us we need to get him back into a traditional school.Now he is eating and sleeeping and happy at home.I personally am sad about him not having the social ties but the kids in this school district as a whole are rough and I feel the need to protect him.He is adopted,Korean so you can imagine the nightmare we have been through.We,my husband and I have been working with him ourselves and we will continue to do what we can but it is very disheartening at times.
Diane: To me, it sounds like your son may have severe social anxiety disorder, along with his Aspergers. My now-teenaged son had similar difficulties because, like your boy, his school experience was so awful that he became physically sick when it was time to go and he eventually stopped going completely. Likewise, he almost always stayed at home, rarely accepting any invitations from his small circle of friends to venture outside of his comfort zone to go to their homes. As much as I resisted the idea in the beginning, anti-anxiety medication has been extremely helpful to him (and me, as a single Mom) because it has not helped make the anxiety more manageable but it has also helped him become more independent. I have long thought that anxiety had all but stolen my son’s childhood but that doesn’t mean he can’t enjoy his life now and in the future. Good luck to you both. Feel free to correspond with me because I’m glad to share my hard-won “wisdom” on this too-often misunderstood subject.
My soon to be 14 y.o. son attends public school, in mainstream classes. He is very bright academically, which is a plus. His struggles in middle school especially have been in the social interaction areas. I am fortunate that our school district has wonderful staff, most of whom are very pro-active and supportive with regard to students who have special needs. They have always been willing to work with me with discipline/behavior plans, brainstorm possible solutions when he’s struggling; they care very much about him (and me!) and work to ensure he is successful. The teachers have been positive role models for him, as well having some of the best guidance counselors to talk to. Negatives tend to be more with issues of teasing and bullying that are not consistently dealt with.
Academics are sometimes challenging, in that he often doesn’t complete assignments on time. He finds repetition boring, and prefers to do many things on his own instead of in groups. He has the most difficult* time in Social Studies, and in other writing areas that may ask him to interpret what someone means, or summarizing sections.
Socially, he does not attend most functions as he really could care less, even though his friends are going. He tends to like being by himself, or talking with older people. He struggles with conversations, being more inclined to find them almost hostile feeling because there is SO much information to process. This year, due to the nature of some of the bullying etc., I was ready to pull him out of the school and home school him. After meeting with the SAT team, and updating his 504, we are seeing some major improvements. In a few weeks we will start discussions with the area high school to make sure he can experience a day of a full high school etc. and see if it will be too much for him. One of my most major concerns now is that he doesn’t really want to go anymore because of the torment he has already been through.
Hi Cass – Glad that the school are generally positive but the whole “bullying thing” is always raising it’s ugly head. I just WISH there was more tolerance out there in the schools.
Can I ask — how did you get a 504? My story is down below. My son is bright and well-behaved, so they refuse to see that he does have some special needs.
My 16 year old grandson, lives with me and had been diagnosed with Asperger’s about 5 years ago after being misdiagnosed with ADHD, OCD, bipolar and others. Now he is recognized in school with special education classes and one-on-one aide. However the “scholarly” staff still treat him as a regular kid, expecting him to behave instantaneously. As parents of aspies, we know that our kids are not regular … special, yes … and therefore require special handling and understanding. It amazes me that these so-called educators don’t get it. There are no private schools within a reasonable driving distance therefore he has to attend public high school to get the education he will need to become whatever he chooses to be. The teachers push him to decide what he wants to be when he is an adult. I tell the teachers to give him an education, then we will decide. Aspies don’t mature like regular kids so sometimes they have no idea as teenagers what they want to do with their lives. Home schooling wouldn’t work with my grandson as he has too many distractions at home and I do not feel competent to teach him. The public school system owes him a good education and I have been fighting this fight for 13 years for him. Thanks for this forum and also for Dave Angel’s informative and supportive articles.
Hi Andrea glad you are fighting for him. Children need a good strong advocate – I wish you all the luck with it…
Our 10yr old son has ASD, dispraxia, dyslexia & traits of ADHD,
He has struggled with schooling since starting nursery at the age of 2.5yrs.
He is constantly teased & a handful of peers enjoy lighting the fuse &
Watching him explode, we have spent no end of time discussing strategies with
Senco’s, specialists & teachers but some of then just don’t get it.
But recently, 2 have got it soooo right & know exactly wot direction to steer him onto to difuse meltdown, they talk to him in a calming manner & do ensure the perpetrators are punished, which is something our son was so not use to & he himself has thanked them in person for helping him & understanding when he shouts or cries because he really didn’t do what they said he did & other teachers have never listened to his response!
Academically he excels in maths, ICT & history but doesn’t do quite
So well with reading, writing & spelling, but tries his hardest when he is in the write mindset, we have learnt to talk about the subject & ask how he feels he is doing & then when he thinks it’s his idea, he will practice, but that’s not always been the case & it doesn’t work everytime!
He will be attending highschool as of September 2012 & we have chosen a school which has a 100% no bulling policy & has a specialist unit for autistic children & we have visited
The school as much as we can before he starts so he can familiarise himself with the surroundings. We are hoping he will cope with the drastic change.
I would like to thank you for your invaluable information on ASpergers
I have learnt different techniques on how best to deal with certain situations.
Kindest regards
Billys mum xxx
No doubt all parents of Aspies have had numerous moments of frustration and heartache with regards to the education of their child. Perhaps with all of our children their is no right or wrong answer, other than the one that is best for them. I hope the choices we have made for our child have served his interests well.
The most we can hope for is to educate others about Aspergers so that the world can operate from a place of compassion and understanding. Any pioneering comes with hard work but remember every point of contention for you and your child in mainstream education makes the pathway a little easier for the next Aspie child who comes along. This can only be a good thing.
Help spread the word. Please view this story written for classroom use and share with others: http://youtu.be/yXI_zFgJQcs
I am the mother of a 14 year old Aspergers boy. My son had a horrific time at a public primary school, always taunted, hit and ridiculed. He was socially outcast despite my efforts to help him. I chose the primary school as it had the best reputation in my locality for academic achievement and community spirit. I worked closely with his teachers trying all sorts of things to help him but it was a never ending battle. The principal of the primary school was very unhelpful and is well known to encourage parents of non typical children to go elsewhere. I found parents extremely prejudiced and cruel too, despite the high socio economic demographic of the community. I am fortunate in that my son is very intelligent and always strives to do his best academically however he tells me that what he has learnt including reading, writing and numeracy in his early years is because of the time I spent with him building those skills, (I am a secondary school teacher).
My son has such bad memories of early schooling that he is still quite angry and hurt. I did try to move him to other schools but he was quite adamant he should stick it out. He has no friends from primary school and has nothing to do with the boys who ended up going to the same secondary college as he.
The second part of my story is very positive. I enrolled my son into a Catholic Boys College for his secondary schooling last year. The transition went fantastically. I met with the leadership team at the school before he started and will continue to do so at the beginning of each year. The teachers have been supportive and the school has a zero tolerance to bullying and unsocial behaviours. My son is happy, he is excelling in school and he has made many new friends and continues to do so. It no longer matters that he isn’t sporty or brand conscious or a follower; he fits in and he is no longer anxious.
What I think works most for him most is that because he is in such a big school he was bound to find like minded boys with similar interests and make friends is own way. The religion has been a positive too as it instills a positive sense of community and tolerance of all in the school community. He is in advanced classes for some of his subjects too which he really enjoys. My son is starting to have conversations with me about the world and himself. He has also become more affectionate and wants hugs too.
School can work for children with Aspergers but finding the right one is the difficult part. There is no doubt in my mind that it is the school ethos, policies and the leadership of the school which makes the difference to how well your child is treated and supported. Homeschooling has merit too in the earlier years to build confidence and self esteem, but social opportunities with their peers is so important in the teenage years which schools can provide.
Where do you live? Where is this boys colledge?
I am a retired teacher of Special Ed and Reading in a high school. I have taught several students with Aspergers. Two of them were kind of “adopted” by caring girls who fought verbally for him if anyone tried to be obnoxious. One, a girl, was removed from a class I didn’t teach because the students would actually throw things at her. She was quite bright and knew more than most of the other students, which they most definitely did not appreciate. I had her before Aspergers was more well known, and she was not classified as such, but most assuredly had Asperger’s Syndrome. I cannot imagine this girl surviving in a workplace and don’t know what became of her.
One senior was so funny. He always read out loud in class with different accents. I just loved having him. He had been in the class for emotionally disturbed kids and had requested out of there and into my class for learning disabled kids. These kids have much to offer. One boy never would agree to do any English assignment in which he had to express a preference or give any personal opinion. I just called the mom and she then explained why he needed to do said assignment. She was great and he always came around, with time. Asperger’s kids don’t have guile. I love that about them. I do agree that for some, home schooling might be preferable. Kids can be so sneaky in their meanness. They will mouth words instead of saying them out loud. Obviously, the teacher can’t see everyone at the same time, much less hear everyone. And then there is the changing of class time. Schools just do not have the wherewithal to walk every student who has been bullied to their individual classes. Some we let leave five minutes early, to try to arrange safety. It is a problem. Good luck to all you mom’s who care and are trying to do the best for your kids.
I was interested to read this. I have a son who is 16, and about to leave school and keen at the moment to go on to college, to do a foundation course to make up for the learning he didn’t do/education he couldn’t access at school. He had his diagnosis of aspergers amongst other things at age 11, in France, carried out in a language foreign to him, heavily subjective and reliant on my comments rather than his.
It became obvious to me at age 6 that my son was having a really difficult time at school; he’d gone very rapidly from being a confident, happy child to being someone full of worries, fears, concerns, phobias and lacking the confidence to even speak out loud. I was furious that school hadn’t picked up on this and helped him, and having friends who were home educating, decided to join them and de-school both my son and my daughter (2 years younger).
We spent 18 months home-schooling, meeting up with other home educators on a weekly basis to share experiences and “socialise” children. This was great for me and my daughter, but for my son nothing much changed; he was still a person whose behaviour was at frequently at odds and not understood by those around him, and social life was frustrating and confusing. In terms of education, on reflection anything he learned was down to his own motivation – he learnt what and when he wanted, and not otherwise. I remember vividly the overwhelming despair and frustration trying to “teach” him anything, despite the fact that I was his parent, had been a teacher and had experience of special needs education. Please be aware of the legislation surrounding home education; both in the UK and here in France, there are regular “check ups” to verify that some sort of curriculum corresponding to national requirements is taking place. I do believe in child centred learning, but also see that there is a necessity too for children to be taught some things that may not be immediately obvious or interesting – no matter how skilled the teacher! – particularly where formal monitoring by local educational authorities is an obligation.
He eventually went back into school as I really couldn’t cope any more with the feeling of futility, and this time started the process instigated by school – to diagnose his difficulties. The assessment team recommended all the things one would expect for an aspergers child – social stories, sensory strategies, variety of learning/teaching styles, physiotherapy for dyspraxia.. but did not put a “label” on his problems. The actual, practical help was extremely limited; a handful of sessions too few and far between to be meaningful to him and unrelated to the rest of his life, in school or out.
He started secondary school, and the help dwindled further with lack of communication between his teachers, and despite repeated visits and explanations and requests from myself. He coped for 2 years there, but by the time he left he wasn’t doing his homework, he wasn’t doing the work set in classes and his work was so illegible that some of his teachers had refused to read or mark it anyway, so he wasn’t very motivated. He was also by now more in his own world, and seemed to not be aware of any behaviours from other kids which I would have termed bullying. The other kids seemed to just leave him alone thankfully.
We moved to France when he was 12 hoping a more structured educational system, more gentle society, wealthier health system may offer some help for him. He had always been interested in words, the roots of words, language so we didn’t anticipate problems with him learning French, however this has proved disastrous for him educationally.
He doesn’t feel he’s learned anything throughout his secondary education (although his conversations with us show he has). He had an other assessment shortly after arriving here and eventually was given the label “aspergers/dyspraxia” which entitled him to a classroom assistant. We were fortunate in fighting the system for an English assistant who was superbly well suited, but unfortunately, being Aspergers, Thai doesn’t like having people close to him, so sitting side by side at a desk hasn’t worked; Thai has been pre-occupied with sensory overload – smells, sounds of his helper, and his helper for the last 6 months has retreated to the back of the classroom and even resorted to changing his tack completely so he is advising the teachers rather than assisting my son.
Socially he was bullied at the first 2 secondary schools he tried. In retrospect, had we stuck with the first, state school he would have received specialist support and I believe they would have been effective, however he would have had to withstand a period of unsettling isolation and fear first before they recognised his needs.
At the second school, things got even more out of hand and culminated in him walking out of school after being badly bullied in the playground. The school hadn’t even noticed he’d walked out. He had several weeks out of education, before he tentatively started at his 3rd secondary school here. This was the final school locally accessible, and was a private school which has been a drain on finances. Apart from the help given him from Chris, his assistant, the school has been useless in that they have consistently ignored requests to implement the most rudimentary of strategies, for example presenting the core of each lesson in written form. This however is partly due to the inflexibility of the French system which we had stupidly not anticipated or understood sufficiently; the majority of teaching is “chalk and talk” the kids copy what the teacher writes on the board (if they can read his handwriting) and try to take notes simultaneously while he talks. Apart from the aspergers, Thai has hearing problems and needs to wear hearing aids. This was a disastrous combination for him.
However, along the way both us (me – his Mum and his step-dad), Chris and the occasional teacher have tried to individualise his learning more, but Thai has consistently chosen not to be engaged in the majority of situations. Occasionally he has shown interest in something and, regardless of how it’s been taught or presented, he’s picked it up BECAUSE HE’S WANTED TO. I don’t think he would have succeeded in school anywhere, or through home ed, unless he wanted to. He reads constantly, researches on his computer and spends the majority of time pursuing his own interests, only interacting with the rest of us when he feels a need to. Being here has at least given him space and peace when he wants it, and he is a LOT less stressed than he was in the UK. Perhaps the language barrier helped, in that it gave him a reason to cut off from the rest of his peers. There has been no bullying for the past 2 years. He ignores them, and they ignore him mainly, although several children have tried to talk to him. He retreats into his book.
He’s leaving school this June, without formal qualifications, and is lucky that there is provision on foundation courses in the UK for children like himself who have not gained anything from the education system. He is also – at the moment – motivated about the idea of returning to the UK studying the subjects he’s interested in – English, history, art, IT, at his own levels – high in some cases, rock bottom in the case of maths!
I don’t know if he’ll make a go of this, but I’ve learned over the course of his life that he will only do what HE wants, when and how he wants, and IF he wants, he CAN succeed.
In retrospect, it feels like the whole educational experience (primary and secondary) has been simply marking time for him. He’s now maturer and choosing to learn, which is what will make the difference.
I wish all parents of aspergers children luck, and buckets full of patience, and faith that their child will find their own way in life because I don’t feel anything I’ve done for my son has made any difference. He has always been and always will be his own person, uninfluenced by anyone else around him.
It’s been like watching a chrysalis; Thai retreated, has been protected and allowed to retreat for several years, and it is fascinating seeing him emerge with more self-confidence, knowledge and awareness. His strange behaviour is less noticeable as he becomes more adult, external expectations are more respectful of the individual which is to his benefit, and I am quietly optimistic for him.
Eight years ago I began homeschooling my eldest child and she has only entered the school system part way through this year. I chose to homeschool for academic reasons, believing that I could give them a better grounding than the schools were currently providing. Part of my reason for allowing her to attend school this year was because it had become such a struggle homeschooling her brother, who was only diagnosed with Asperger’s last year. I never knew why he was difficult, just that he was different and the regular disciplines didn’t work with him.
Being two years older I expected them both to be working at different levels but as the years passed Ryan achieved the same levels or higher than his older sister. Academically they were both achieving but I felt it was unfair on Rachel, that she needed competition of her own age. Her homeschooling background has helped her achieve the highest levels at school and she has been chosen for an academically advanced class next year. She is happy knowing that she fits in well with her own age group.
I think that the years of homeschooling Ryan has helped build his confidence and given him the security that he needs. As long as he is in his own environment he is fairly happy but taken out of that secure place his anxiety levels build and he finds it difficult to focus. I have to say that socially he does very well, making friends easily with all age groups. He is part of a major choir which he absolutely loves, has piano lessons and has happily taken part in concerts, attends church and plays with anyone and is now a Leading Cadet with the Australian Air League – so he has fairly good social exposure.
The major difficulty lies in being away from home for any extended period of time. To become a Leading Cadet he has had to go away to camps, albeit with a parent attending. It has been horrific for him – and for staff – trying to cope with tears and illness. The same thing happens going away with the choir, even though a parent attends. He has achieved while being away but watching the struggle is just dreadful. Because of his abilities (and to help him through it) he is usually put in charge of a group and he works through his tears.
Next year he wants to begin high school – a year early – and I’m currently working through some exams with him to see if he would cope with the workload. I am concerned that he will come up against conflict. In the past his meltdowns have only affected him – he doesn’t lash out at anyone else. The Principal of the school allows Aspergers children to use his office as a safe place, so I know the school is aware of the condition.
I would be happy to continue homeschooling, but think the lack of competition since his sister went to school has taken away his incentive to do well. He really wants to attend high school next year but this will depend on results and counselling at the school. Whether he attends next year or the year after, if he is not happy there he can always return to homeschooling. Without that background I don’t think he would cope as well in society as he does today.
hi just to put my pennnies worth in. My son was finally dianosed in the last year primary school he has now been in senior school for 2 years and it is hell. He has become aggressive towards his peers ( he has become the bully it seems) he is in detention every week and he has been suspended twice. we finally got validated hours just one week ago and up till then he had absolutley no help what soever. i have been told they have no resources for him and he shouldnt be there, but the council have said that untill his behaviour improves they cant move him so it is a catch 22 he is really depressed at home which he takes out on his 6 year old brother. im exausted and tbh its only my selfishness that is stopping me home schooling. i know that it sounds horrible but aspergers has taken over my and my whole families life, and as we have no help in or outside school at all i really dont think i can cope with him at home during the day. he also refuses to go to any kind of outside activity regardless of what it is.
i also want to say his school are useless and im so sick of complaining and ettin absolutley nowhere. the education authority arent a great help either. the school expect him to act like a normal kid and he gets detention for thing like shouting out obscene things, calling without putting his hand up, not listening and doing what he is told. all aspergers traits and everything he has done throughout his short life.
Firstly thanks for all the information you send. Schooling – It has been a long heartbreaking experience both for my son and myself.
My son was only diagnosed with Asbergers in Jan this year when he was 10.
Thanks to an well educated, observant school counsellor ( who I refer to as our Angel ).
Since diagnosis I have had a huge struggle with the system in the NSW education department. However we finally have some funding and support for my son.
The most significant thing has been my son’s ability to cope with the school environment, Bullies, overwellming amounts of information to process etc.
However thing have improved now that he has an Itinerant Learning Support Teacher (Autism) and a Teacher who is willing to help my son and to modify my son’s work and environment. It has been a huge struggle however it’s still been worthwhile sending my son to Public school. The only way to improve your child’s chances of coping and succeeding is to be their Best Advocate and never give up trying to help/protect/advance and improve their schooling experience.
Thanks once again for Dave Angel’s information and forum.
I have a 16 year old who is home school because he is not allowed to go back into the school. This is as order from the school. He has attacked teachers throwing chairs and one time hit a teacher in the face. We don’t like him being home as we feel he is not getting a proper education. He learns thru skype and online classes, his only contact from the school is with a teacher aide over the computer. He has no social interaction with his peers and we have trouble with him leaving the house. He has also attacked his father and me, resulting in the police being called. We wish he had more help from the school as we are not teachers and we cannot make him do the work if he does not want to. He does not see why he has to continue school as he will never get a job or be able to live on his own. This is his thinking as I feel that he might be able to do more as he is very smart, sometimes too smart. Not sure where to go from here or where he will wind up once he gets thru with school.
After 3 1/2 years in mainstream the only things my son had learnt was that he was bad and that he was stupid. He couldn’t read and didn’t know an odd number from an even….
He is currently reading ‘The Rangers Apprentice’, he manages his own bank account – earning money doing odd jobs and paying off things that he wants while also saving at least 50% of what he earns. He has a brilliant mechanical mind and has developed strong problem solving skills, he has a fascination with science and loves the theatre and music, he has developed some strong friendships with other homeschoolers but most importantly he smiles a lot these days – and I haven’t seen a meltdown in over 12 months. Bringing him home has been a huge struggle financially – I am a single mum and get no financial support from his father – it may ultimately cost me my home – but I don’t regret a thing – it is the best decision I have ever made.
needless to say his self image was very poor, he was terribly sad, confused and frustrated with the result being multiple meltdowns everyday – it nearly destroyed both of us.
He has been homeschooled for the past 18 months
I was also a little surprised by Dr. Horowitz’s comments on homeschooling. It doesn’t sound like he knows a lot of homeschooled children. I have 2 kids with asperger’s – one homeschooled, the other public-schooled. My daughter attends first grade at the local public school where she receives excellent assistance with academics and pragmatics/social skills. This works well with her personality. My 3rd grade son on the other hand is homeschooled part time and attends a homeschool support program part time. He has a higher anxiety level that would make public school too overwhelming for him. He has actually had a more active social life than his public-schooled sister. His last birthday party had 18 kids in attendance – all of whom were homeschooled. And most of the kids there have been friends since kindergarten. My daughter has yet to make any real friendships or connections in her public school but she likes her school and plans to stay for the time being. She’s only a first grader so maybe it’s just a matter of time. Both of my kids know they have options and have for the most part chosen their own educational path. Homeschooling has been wonderful for my son and he has had a happy childhood and school experience so far. The public school has been wonderful for my daughter and she too is a happy fun loving kid. Maybe it’s just not possible to make such a general statement (and still be correct) regarding homeschooling and aspergers like Dr. Horowitz attempted.
I agree with you. My 6 year old aspie daughter is in public school and she really likes it. We are working with the school to get her the best services they have available, although it seems Florida has better services than Texas. Still, she is happy and she wants to go. I have aspergers and I hated public school. It was horrible. I would have jumped at the chance to be home schooled. I told my daughter recently that she could stay home and be home schooled by Mommy, if she wanted. She asked me, “Where is your school, Mommy?” I told her we could to it at the dining table. Her reply was straight to the point. She looked at me and said “Ms. Cook’s school has a play ground.” So, I think it really does depend on 1. the child, 2. the school and 3. the staff and students at the school. All must be considered before deciding what is the best course of action.
ever since pre school ,we have struggled to get any sort of balance for our high functioning autistic spectrum,obsessive,compulsive disorder ,daughter……educationally.we have had her in school and had her on correspondence ,and trust me its been a NO BRAINER as to which has worked best!-we have been highly pro active in monitoring her needs ,sometimes this meant trying another school/ having the same teacher for 2yrs/long emails and interveiws with teachers and many blobby days to zizz out a bit for her/she being an only child everyone has their concerns about her being at home,and not in mainstream school, thankgoodness my husband is a head of dept teacher at a busy high school and can advocate for her ,what i wish to say is that despite everyone trying to meet us and help Kat at school,it has been impossible for her,and her fear ,negativity,self harming,and really odd behaviours in crease off the board when shes been at SCHOOL!,–and no wonder! school caters for the masses,she cannot PACE when she has to,she stopped eating and drinking at school and though there were places she could go to at lunch-library,lunch room etc she found that they had too many people or were too noisy ….and so much more i could go on for days……shes back on correspondence and the change is significant!,why do we have to squash them into what NORMAL SHOULD BE!,theyre not whatever normal is,didnt we used to celebrate people like mark twain,beatrix potter ,jane austin who spent much time alone by choice and came out as originals?……..kat wins story writting competitions,reads fantastically harmanises and sings takes her beloved chihuahuas for walks builds bridges across our creek<taking days to complete,swims with me ,her mum,and i mean swim! from pacific bay to motel bay, and like every other mum out there its hard having to justify yourself all the time to people who will never GET IT.Thats cool im just happy she doesnt want to die anymore.
I have an amazing 15 year daughter with Aspergers. In preschool she was the wonder child- the teachers pet! The teachers there were amazed at her ability to read at 3 years old and with the speed with which she began learning Spanish (everyone there was bi-lingual except for her). When we enrolled her in Private school in 1st grade she again amazed her teacher there who suggested that we place her in public school from Catholic as she (the teacher) herself was frustrated with the limits placed on how far a child was allowed to advance regardless of their intellect. She also recommended that she be skipped a grade. We moved from the area we lived in, and there began the nightmare. Despite my daughters intellectual progress she was quite immature in other areas- following multiple directs, organizational skills, transitioning from one subject to the next. Her teacher asked my husband and I in for a conference due to her being disruptive ( talking, daydreaming, drawing) and we learned that everything being taught were things our daughter had already learned and excelled at. we recommended giving her something a little more challenging and were refused- ” I don’t want to give her anything too hard” when we suggested giving her a bit more to do so that she didn’t sit bored waiting for the next thing we were refused again- ” I don’t want to giver her too much work”. She had only been in school 3 weeks after starting 3 weeks late due to our move across state. Then her teacher told us that to “help” my daughter “mature” she would send her to sit in the kindergarden class stating ” If you’re going to act like a baby then you can go sit with the babies.” Things got so bad she would come home crying and asking- “why am I bad?” That was when, in desperation to find an answer, I learned of homeschooling. I home-schooled her from then until the 3rd grade. Since she was older we enrolled her in private school, hoping she could make friends as there weren’t any children her age in our immediate area. Again- a nightmare that I wont go into- but again mostly staff wise. Though this was when the bullying began with her peers. Mostly light, being private school as it wasn’t tolerated. The following year I home-schooled her again. In 5th grade we tried again and she had a very supporting staff – teachers, principal, vice principal- a wonderful group looking out for her. She was paired with a girl to help her who is her best friend and a welcome addition to our family! It was a productive year. They all warned me at the end of the year that the public middle school would be a bad choice for her but she was insistent. She and her best friend wanted to go. That was the biggest nightmare of all.! In a year and a half there my daughter went from a vibrant, energetic, creative, curious child to one who in the end spent the last half of that school year recommended for antidepressants, intensive outpatient therapy, wouldn’t leave her bed more or less her room and would never smile. Shed been punched, kicked, tripped, stabbed with pencils and would not go to the bathroom all day out of fear. She waited that year and a half to tell us. Even when we asked EVERY DAY how her day went. The worse part was that teachers would tell her “just ignore it” or she would get in trouble for telling on the student who abused her! She entered the system in the 5th grade with my having home-schooled her to and 8th grade level in all subjects and when our lawyer had her sent out of district in the second half of 8th grade, had not advanced ONE BIT!! I felt SO GUILTY! I wanted my daughter to have socialization- but what did it cost!? She went through it and the only positive out of the experience was the fact that seeing the child psychologist got us the answer: She was diagnosed as having Asperger’s. Sending my daughter to school almost cost me my child. And the education I gave her was better than the one she received in school! ( NO, I am NOT an educator- I learned to teach as I became her teacher- the resources on the internet ( an amazing amount of it free) and in bookstores is invaluable. If you have the time and the means, I would highly suggest homeschooling and looking elsewhere for socialization – Playgroups, group sessions, camps for spectrum children, etc… Or if your child is being bullied incessantly, please have them placed out of district ASAP! It’s heartbreaking to watch all of the love, care and support that you give your child torn apart by strangers – especially those in authority who are supposed to be there to help them. At least I learned how best to advocate for our son, who is 8, and was just diagnosed as on the spectrum last year. Sorry this was so long… Its just very emotional for me. Good luck to all of you.
As a psychologist, working mostly with young people in the context of their education, I have long encouraged parents to consider the impact of mainstream school. There are pros and cons in all situations; however it seemed to me that having a child with Asperger’s trying to negotiate their way through the “typical” classroom and playground was like throwing them in the deep end of the pool and expecting them to learn to swim there. I loved Marianne’s plan for her son – a gradual immersion, teaching him skills to manage the next step in as he goes – brilliant! Our “Aspie” young people need help with their social skills, but the mainstream playground is the testing ground of those skills NOT the training ground. As the mother of 3 neuro-typical children, I am hard pressed to list the positive social skills my children have learned in the school context. Mostly, they experience/discover bad friendship behaviour and learn how to deal with it in discussion and practice at home.
Adding that to the flexible, learning style focused, one-on-one (or pretty close to it) delight of learning that home-schooling can afford, maybe the question could be “Why do we INSIST on mainstream school for our children?”. Despite the beautiful rhetoric of “no child left behind” or “inclusive education”, I think it is unreasonable to expect this goal to be achieved by a mainstream education system. It is a system designed for the mass-education of average-ranged children. For those of us with children outside the “average range”, for whatever reason, there comes a time when we need to consider the impact of mainstream on our child.
Like you, Dave, I was sad to read Diane’s experience. It reminded me again that, as parents, we know our children. Educators, like many in the medical and science fields, know the theories of their disciplines and typical outcomes of their application – but we know our children. Trust your heart/gut. If your child is floundering in the deep end, pull them out before they drown and try another way. Maybe start at the other end and move in gradually, like Marianne and her son did. Maybe choose something altogether different and build their strength and confidence until they are more able to tackle the deep end. There are so many alternate paths to successful, fulfilling jobs and careers than just the mainstream track.
I cannot cheer loudly enough for the parents and families of our “apsie” children – pioneers, advocates, teachers, warriors, researchers, counsellors, nurturers – amazing!
Hi Alison
What a beautiful and insightful position you take – I dream of a day when professionals both educators and medical will all be so insightful as to support parents in choosing the best path for their child instead of promoting ‘the one path’ – sadly here in the land down under I believe we have a loooong way to go to reach that goal.
Excellent point!
“Our “Aspie” young people need help with their social skills, but the mainstream playground is the testing ground of those skills NOT the training ground.”
Thanks for your post! Well said!
You are so right. When we lived in Florida (location:Lutz), the school took the high functioning aspie kids and placed them in their own class room. They would go to main stream class rooms to learn academic stuff, but would then return immediately to their own class room to learn about social skills and get extra help they might need. This was wonderful for our daughter! She made so much progress so fast! Her IQ went from 58 to 96 in one year. I truly wish all the schools did it this way. We had to move to Texas for my husbands employment and the school has it stuck in their heads that aspie kids should be mainstreamed. Although they do offer some services to help her, frankly, it is just not as good. I’d rather drive a little further and get all the aspie kids in the area grouped together with knowledgable instructors and professional help.
I am glad this worked for your daughter but it did not work for my son. His self esteem dropped dramatically when he was pulled out of mainstream lessons for “social skills classes” with other kids on the spectrum. I had never heard him refer to himself as stupid before and his unwillingness to view himself as someone who was worthwhile and smart was so damaging in that year that I withdrew him from all classes. I have found he learns more from my impromptu social stories than from any of these skills sessions.
We are not in a good place at the moment. 4 years ago my then 14 year went through hell of misdiagnoses in CAMHs and other counselling services, until we finally discovered she had aspergers, by which time she was in overload and meltdown and dropped out of school. A gifted musician, she had a simple request – to play piano alone at lunchtime and to drop science – to help her cope with the horrendous times with other girls in school. The school could not do this, she got no GCSE and to our heart break had to send her 100 miles away to a music course to get some education. Now her younger sister, who has be wretching every morning before school, unable to eat breakfast, coming home in tears and becoming distressed every night before school, has just been diagnosed with aspergers too. School is hell. Children have xray vision for sensitivities any my daughter is the most beautiful, shy, kind and sensitive girl you could meet. She cant tell if they are joking, and it hurts so much when they ignore her as she cant join in their conversations about rolling up their skirts to meet boys and kissing. She loves her horses, cats and dogs. She is terrified of teachers being cross, and even though she is never in trouble she is scared of doing anything wrong. She feels so worried about so much and its gone on so long, she is just exhausted. Home schooling are the words on my lips – but I remember the hell of education welfare officers, social workers, teachers and others who knew nothing of my eldest child, meeting to try to force her back to school when she, non verbal would just walk out and disappear for hours when she could not cope. In a grammar school of almost 1000 girls -they said they never had one with aspergers before so the staff had no training. It was all a nightmare then and its all returning now. Me Im Mum, I see my child so distressed, I feel – STOP – she has to be well first, happy first – just think – would we put an animal into a situation that caused them so much distress? and yet what of her report that says her perception and reasoning is in the top 6% of population – what happens that talent if she does not get an education? how much more isolated will she become at home? whats going to happen to her -if she stays at school and damages her mental health – or stays at home alone? whats kind? whats cruel? why do we have to make such awful choices? why cant the schools prioritise emotional wellbeing, understanding, codes of behaviour, teach children kindness, that leaving someone out is bullying, watch them, catch them being unkind and show them a better way, allow for difference, make adjustments, accept individuals with different needs and love them for what they can and cannot do. Where is the humanity in our education system. Not where I live.
My aspie daughter is now 20 years old and in her 2nd year of college. She wasn’t diagnosed with Aspergers until she was 14 years old.
She attended Kindergarten in the local public school. She suffered great anxiety, but at this time we figured she was very shy and would adapt. We moved after her Kindergarten year and put her in a private school for 1st grade. We decided to homeschool our children at that time because we were in a church with over 70 homeschooling families, a lot of support and activities for homeschoolers. Aspie daughter was home schooled for 2nd through 5th grade. During those years I kept saying to my husband that it seemed like she was autistic, but not quite. We had no knowledge of aspergers at that time. Homeschooling went very well for those 4 years. After another move to a different state, we enrolled our= children in a very prestigious religion based private school. Aspie daughter attended for 6th and 7th grade. She was bullied mercilessly. Things got so bad that in the middle of 7th grade we were told we’d have to pull her out of the school because they couldn’t stop the bullying. (yes, the bullied child had to leave – not the bullies). We transferred her to another private school where she was accepted by the other 22 students in her class with opened arms. They felt so bad for how she’d been treated that they bent over backwards to accept her. Unfortunately, funds ran out, so for 9th grade we enrolled her in the local public school. (Still had not received the aspergers diagnosis). It was a very large middle school. Kate had a terrible time fitting in, finding her way around the building, etc. In mid October we pulled her out and enrolled her in a cyber school where she did her school work at home over the internet. Within a few months she had become so severely depressed that we sought counseling for her. It was at this time that she was diagnosed with Aspergers. Once we had this information we were able to work with IEP’s, etc. Cyber school was much better that classroom school, but we still struggled with teachers who were not familiar with Aspergers and were not willing to make accommodations as needed. So I decided to homeschool her for her last 3 school years. Homeschooling her for 10th, 11th and 12th grade was fabulous! I was able to taylor all her subjects according to her interests. As an aspie – she didn’t understand why she had to learn certain facts that had no meaning in her life. (do you remember Europian rulers and dictators in the 1400′s? Have you ever needed this information?). She graduated high school with honors. She enrolled in college and has maintained a 3.90 GPA.
If I had it to do over again – I would have home schooled her her entire life. I realize now it was the best way to meet her needs. As for socialization – we have always been very active in church activities and large churches. She also sees a therapist for social skills training. I wish we’d gotten the aspergers diagnosis earlier in her life. She missed out on a lot of therapy that might have helped her in social situations.
Our case may be a little different, as my son also has severe chronic medical issues in addition to Aspergers. We have always homeschooled our children, so it is not something we chose to do just because of his health issues, but as a family lifestyle. Because he is the youngest of 3 boys (he is almost 15, oldest is 28) we have been able to have a variety of experiences prior to learning how to work with this one. Because of frequent hospitalizations, surgeries, travel for medical care, schooling for our family is never “typical”, but is very experiential. We school year round, field tripping when we travel which fits well with our Aspies interests in history and animals (zoo’s and aquariums in many states are have too’s!). He was not diagnosed until earlier this year, but now that we know, his behaviors make sense. We were told by the neuro-psych that homeschooling probably was kept him more on target educationally than had we placed him in public school, though he might have been identified sooner, our ability to taylor his education to his needs was much easier to do at home than in a classroom. We also are able to keep him healthier, as he is not exposed to all the colds, flu’s etc, which would then mean even more hospitalizations and potentially loss of quality and quantity of life. He wasn’t supposed to live this long, so we treasure every moment. He is very social with adults, not so much with kids his own age. That is improving having found a local play group for Aspies that meets twice monthly. We have done various church groups, cub scouts, etc, which were great when he was younger, not so much now that he is a teenager. It is hard for him when his best friends grow up and move on emotionally, and he has no interest in doing the same (dating, driving, etc). We are trying to find other outlets for him, ways to be with people that share his interests rather than playing into the age based groups, like possibly volunteering at a local (new) aquarium, that kind of thing. We shall see… small steps, and the future has yet to be seen.
My 15 year old Aspie son attends public high school, mainstreamed. We have chosen this route in the hopes of preparing him for the real world. There have been a few conflicts through the years but all three schools have done an excellent job in having conversations with the kids and generally when they understand each other better, the conflict has ended. We have also been blessed with supportive teachers who have really worked with us to help our son. The road has not been easy and he has asked at times to be homeschooled as there is a lot of stress and anxiety from being there. At times, we anticipated that home schooling would be our choice. He still does not have many friends, but those he has are from school. I think it can depend a lot on your options for socializing and relationships in the community. There is such variation in our children and in our schools that it has to be an individual decision. I would suggest that the decision needs to be re-evaluated on a regular basis. I truly expected middle school to be a nightmare based on my other son’s experience, but by choosing a different building, we did not experience the same concerns. We continue to struggle with our son being bored and not challenged as much academically but I’m confident that he will pick that up what he needs it as he is bright. He is learning to manage the stress and how to deal with many different personalities and expectations. I do spend much time communicating with school staff and assisting my son with his challenges, but I always try to keep the future in my sights.
Our daughter now 20 was home schooled from 12 – 14 due to chronic fatigue, not her Asperger’s. She had friends at primary school, but when she developed epilepsy then chronic fatigue they dropped away within a few weeks and wouldn’t talk to her when they saw her. At 15 I was driving her to the local public school 40 mins away and every afternoon when I picked her up and asked her how her day was she answered: “Torture”. The type of bullying she was being subjected to was the type it is very difficult to report as it seems trivial. Her classmates refused to leave her alone to read quietly during breaks and would come up to her and stand around and make personal comments about her. She would be shoved in the corridors and pushed as she made her way to her desk in class. She couldn’t cope with their immaturity and lack of motivation to learn. In the end we gave her the option to leave and she did. She was then able to educate herself using our state wide library system in the subjects she loves: philosophy, literature, art, Buddhism, yoga. Now she is quite numerate, extremely literate, a brilliant artist who has just started her exhibiting career. She still can’t stand her peers, but copes quite well when older people drop in or come for dinner. She rides her bike the 8 kms into town and there interacts with the library staff, shop keepers, cafe staff, post office. She manages her own bank accounts, mobile phone, shopping, computer , navigating the city independently, all her own cooking, etc, etc. Occasionally if she has been away somewhere strange with us for a few days she will have a quiet meltdown when she just sits and repeats “f…. f….” under her breath for 5 mins, then she recovers. Generally we think we did the right thing taking her out of school both when she had chronic fatigue and then when she was 15. I am a trained experienced teacher and was able to help her during her chronic fatigue, but when she left at 15 she became entirely self-educated. Often that seems to suit Aspergers better as they can make their own pace and don’t have to answer questions, which can be extremely challenging for them.
My son was diagnosed in first grade. He suffered from bullying mostly on the bus. (He ended up sitting directly behind the driver.) Most of his teacher read and heeded my multi-page explanation and suggestions (You’re either going to love or hate my kid.). He totally isolated himself at recess until I finally begged the principal to let him wash tables or sweep floors then. Accommodations in middle school and now in high school allowed him to work alone instead of in groups.
I didn’t want to try homeschooling since he becomes unreasonable if I suggest he study something he is totally not interested in. At times I think that might have been a mistake.
He really needs an aide to help with organization and make sure he brings home everything he needs. But I know that won’t happen. He was delighted last year when he was asked to be videographer for the girls basketball team. Made a lot of mistakes at first, but the coach was patient. The varsity team ended up going to state competition. They waited until two days before the game to tell him that he couldn’t go with the girls like he had done all year, and that they wanted him to go on the pep bus. (when they know he can’t stand too much noise or crowds) He freaked. That is the only time I’ve ever known our school to send a student home during state testing. And as a result of their insensitivity, it was an emotional balancing act the rest of the year and a lot of therapy, most of which my insurance doesn’t cover!
He wants to go to vocational school next year and use the technical training in the media program as a springboard for college. I can only hope the school personnel there are easier to deal with.
Oh yes. One of my son’s classmates last year got mad at an aspie who was on his bus and kept making noises. When they got off the bus, he pushed the kid around. The kid fell and ended up with a compound fracture of his arm. At first the school said they couldn’t do anything because it didn’t happen on school property. I understand that they finally got enough heat that the older kid had to ride a different bus so he didn’t come in contact with his victim.
Mine was public-schooled until middle school. We did all of the transition things recommended but it was probably too much too fast. He became more depressed and suicidal. Homeschooled. Moved to another state, tried middle school. Tried all the advocating in my power; worked closely with everyone. Choice: increase medication again, or homeschool. Brought him home. To prepare for high school, took 3 classes at middle school, then came home and finished with me. Now in high school at very small New Tech High, works on projects in groups of 4-6, has found some ways to cope (eats alone as a break from people) and LOVES it. Public school prepared him for the conformist behaviors, but it was very painful for him. I probably would do preschool for 2 years, kindergarten at home, with outside classes each week with other kids. Then 1st grade at public. But each child is different; if one needs glasses, you don’t get them for the whole family.
“But each child is different; if one needs glasses, you don’t get them for the whole family.”
I just love this comment!
I totally agree with you – each child is different. Even after the nightmare we went thru with our daughter in the school system, we have decided to give our son a chance there. He is on the spectrum, but not an Aspie. He is very friendly and outgoing, though frustrates easily. He has communication deficits that, while having a broad vocabulary, when he is emotional he has a hard time accessing that vocabulary which is the key to his frustration.this year is an absolutely AMAZING year for him after the last 2 years of struggle. ( last year, by the third quarter, they suggested the full day being to much for him and would send him home at half day) . This year he has a teacher who is extremely qualified and my son loves him! He says ” I dont know what I would do without Mr H! ” and he actually enjoys going to school now. I realize this situation is quite different being that he is not an Aspie, but he is quite immature for his 8 years- his behaviors are more like a 5 year old, which other children pick up on and children his age have a tendency to tease. But with guidance he is learning to curb those behaviors and is having a successful year thus far. I still worry about next year though ,as you can never tell who the teacher will be and there is a severe lack in trained and experienced teachers for our children. His teacher last year would nit pick, like he wanted to sit at one table to work but she wouldn’t allow, which resulted in a total meltdown – throwing things, screaming and in the end hitting his head against a cinder block wall. Thankfully he was not seriously injured!! But this is the hardest part of having our children in public sector schools- its the luck of the draw each year….
Its interesting that this has been posted…My daughter 12 just received a diagnosis in April this year with Aspergers. We approached the public primary school about what they can do to assist her. I was told she wasn’t able to receive any extra support. This was her assumption. I had a meeting at her high school last week and was told that she would receive support instantly. And i was asked why the primary school had not provided her with this extra support. I am very angry that one person can make an assumption without even ringing to find out any information. I am in the process of writing to the school and the district offices to let them know of my concerns. I believe that not having the right support has significantly effected her last year in primary school and in some learning areas. Thanks Dave for these newletters they are awesome!!
They dont even have an IEP for my daughter…ggrr..
When I transferred my son to a catholic private school, I would think the bullying would stop. No it did not but had declined somewhat, it wasn’t much physical bullying but emotional; he was the last child to be pick in any activities, he get’s teased. However, because of the atmosphere, other students whom because of their religious upbringing sometimes would defend my son or point out to other children that teasing or bullying is not a proper christian behavior. So, its somewhat a consolation. He joined a bastketball team in 6th grade, and because its a Youth Organization, everyone gets to play no matter what their abilities. Its competetive, but at the same time there’s an emphasis on being a team player, teamate wants him to do well because they want to win and of course, since they don’t have a choice but to help him play better. He got to shoot the ball. Yes, we were thankful for the coach and for the opportunity. Because its a smaller school, we got to meet with the principal, teachers and get to know the staff often. We did not hide the fact that he is an Aspie.
For us its acceptance, sometimes its difficult to face or the longing that you wanted your child to be like the average child- come home with friends, go to school dance, hang around the mall or play sports.
For us its lots of patience and we never ever verbally called him ” stupid”, because we know his not. We encourage him to find out who are his favorite heroes.
Today, he thrives in high school, those who bully him had asked him for academic helped. He is in the Yearbook committee, which we encourage, funny, when kids found out that his in yearbook, they try and befriend him hoping they can get their pictures in yearbook. Its Ok with us and we had talked about but get him to know more people. He wants to go to college. He is also, a mentor for people with learning disabilities like himself at his high school. I guess, we try to find what works for him and try and encourage him a lot. It’s difficult and we know it, there are times our patience are tested, but don’t blame ourselves for parenting skills we know we are not perfect, or him. We know that he will do well and the idea that he will grow up to be productive citizen is our reward. Financially we sometimes struggle , but to see your child to smile, have fun and to advocate for himself rather than come home crying, one becomes creative in helping him.
After reading so many post I’ve come away feeling overwhelmed with emotion knowing Im not alone. My eleven year old was diagnosed with austism at five. He’s been in four schools since kindergarden, he’s been bullied, cast out, struggled to make long lasting friends. He’s had one amaizing teacher who worked very hard to educate herself and others on austism spectrum disorder, including aspergers, which my son has. He learned so muchabout himself and made many friends having her as a teacher. when the district decited they could no longer fund her program, we fought hard. Her only option was to relocate out of state. Middle school is scary enough, we are now home schooling, Its hard. But much better then having to deal with the torture of him being bullied and mistreated. Ive been advised by our district that our decision to home school was not a good one, that he would miss out on social interaction. Is that all. I thank all of you for sharing your stories Ive learned quite a bit.
oh Nina! I feel youre experience has been my own…… well done you!…..i loved your comment…IS THAT ALL?…i actually laughed!…its so great to read something that finally makes a sort of sense………if that makes sense/.NIC
My son is 13 and in 7th grade at a public school. He has had an IEP since first grade and was diagnosed with Aspergers at age 10. He has been having such a tough time over the past year. He started out pretty good last year in 6th grade, but around mid November, his grades started dropping, he started refusing to do work and his behavior declined (he has been rude and oppositional). The staff at the school have tried many behavioral plans and have tried to work with him. He went from having all but 1 general education class to now having only 1 general education class. He is now also being home schooled in the morning and only attends 3 hours at school. The staff at school have been trying to convince me since the middle of last year that he should be in the community based EI program. I have been told by professionals outside of the school setting that this would not be a good fit for him. I’m not allowed to tour the EI program either until I sign the paper to get the process started (apparently for privacy reasons). Home schooling so far has not been helpful because he is refusing to do much work at home either. I’m not sure what to do at this point. I just came from another high pressure meeting with the staff who think I’m being stubborn and unreasonable by not signing the paper to start the referral process. They even told me they feel certain he will not be able to change staying at the school. Am I advocating for my son or being unreasonable?
Your boy sounds like mine; independent and his own boss. I have more success with my 14 year old son through partnering and coaching versus authority and directing. Public school was not working as the stress was too much. He wanted to homeschool. We picked an online program. He was so excited. A couple of weeks went by and no real schooling got done! I started to push which met resistance. I then suggested he start on a paper as he loves to do research. He spent all day on that subject. He said he can’t do the paper just yet so he is doing the lessons to get to the paper. Maybe he will grow out of resisting help or taking direction, but maybe he won’t. He’s selecting a career where he will be his own boss for which I’m thankful! For now, his anxiety is very low, he’s learning and he has goals for HIS future. He has to buy into it and own it.
What happened in mid November?
I’ve been home schooling my 14 yo for 3 years. In Australia we have the support of Distance Education where our son is enrolled on medical grounds (AS) – this institution is amazing in it’s support and dedication to all their DE students and we all feel very supported. Although I have had to give up work to do this we can now see that in the next two years our son will be able to gain a apprenticeship in mechanics (special interest). He sees a councillor once a month to help out with those teenage ‘social’ skills that can be a bit embarrassing to discuss with mum or dad and this is great for his self confidence as well.
Before home schooling my son had daily school resistance and or running away from school, suffered terribly bullying and had developed such severe anxiety I couldn’t leave the room without him following. This has all stopped with DE and home schooling. He is now more tolerant of his two younger siblings and more willing to try new things.
Socially my son has started to excel, belonging to a local sports club and a youth group which he attends biweekly. At the trophy night last weekend he stood up in front of 100 people and thanked all his sponsors, the sports club and all ‘the boys’ for the competition.
I can only say that home schooling has been the saving grace for our son and family.
Our 11 year old Aspie attends a mainstream high school with focus provision for ASD. Not perfect, but the best option we felt. Still has issues with bullying, but we work closely with school on that. He has to work so much harder than everyone else to understand the social rules and we felt school was the best way to do that. It would have been an easy decision to home school, its what he wants, school but with no other kids in the way but his most important lessons at this stage are the social ones. Hard decision, but the NT world is cruel, and strategies learnt now will stay with him in his adult life. A big help for us has been the TV programme “The Big Bang Theory”. The character who is obviously on the spectrum is so like our son, and he watches the show with great interest, great chance to talk about behaviours, social protocol….in a lighthearted manner.
Oh, we love “Big Bang Theory!” It’s been really helpful to my son, too, to see those characters who are so much like him and his friends!
Another good programme is “Bones” – the character Temperance Brennan has Aspergers and is depicted as intelligent successful and helped in a positive and understanding way by her friends and colleagues. A very positive role model once our Aspie kids are old enough to watch this!
My son is 17 and graduating in the top 10 % of his class, does three sports per school year and has played viola in the orchestra until his need for academic rigor changed his electives. He was diagnosed with Aspergers in the 1st grade and has had academic supports up until last year and behavioral goals this year for community access. He has always been in the general education setting and his first 6 years were in a non-traditional multi-age setting. I think this combined with the fact that I ran an in home daycare during this time frame kind of forced him to adapt to changes and diversity. He has very large self stimming behaviors even now as a young adult. He still runs in circles for about an hour at night and has pacing compulsions during down time at lunch and in transition times. I always pushed for him to understand that even though his brain collects and understands information at a different rate (60 is his processing speed off of medication) than most people he still comes up with the answer and that he can advocate with teachers and the school for what he needs. I have been very proactive in connecting with teachers and trying to build communication with the school. We have been fortunate that when there was any issues I was able to collaborate to resolve issues. I also pushed for my son to be a part of his IEP process from 7th grade on whether he wanted to or not. It helped his teachers talk with him about accomodations and also see him when he wasn’t engaged in an activity and being very “aspie”.
I know that there are alot of horror stories out there because I support military families at an installation that because of the medical support available, have a large number of families with kids on the spectrum and the schools in the area are overwhelmed and in the middle of a budget cycle where they are loosing a lot of funding. It is part of my job to work with families and the school districts to look at solutions.
Just as home schoooling has worked for a lot of families I would say that public school has helped my son develope a huge amount of coping strategies and the ability to “roll with it” that I know he wouldn’t have gotten at home with me. We all are unique and no one way is right for everyone. I think it is important to work as a partner with your child to see what creates the best learning environment and provides the most challenge to help them into adulthood.
Hi My son was diagnosed at the age 7, he is now 16. He started out at a mainstream school . Litlle did we know what a nightmare was lying ahead for us. The school was informed about his condition and we sat every term with the principal to discuss any issues. It was the last term of the year and I went to fetch him from school when I heard him screaming, just to find out that he was locked in the store room…. imagine how my heart sunk when I found out that my 7 year old son wat locked in a store room…. and why because him and a few other boys have been trowing stones. He was the only one that was punished because he was the child with the disability and they feared for the parents lives……. I ask you. I took him out and he attended a school for special need kids. Unfortunatley this only goes to grade 7 so he had to go to mainstream school after this. At highschool the bullying and teasing become to much. His health suffered … headaches, stomach aches and no doctor could find what was wrong. We then decided to homeschool him. I work fulltime so I dont teach him. He works on his own and when I come home we sit down and go thru it. Weekends I’ll help him with test etc etc. Let me tell you its now been 3 years and he’s never had one headache, stomach ache ect ect… His happy and we are happy. What the future holds for us…. only time will tell.
I am the mother of a 10 year old boy. Not fully asperger but more ADD with a little bit of asperger strand. I have him in a private school since grade 1 where the classes have no more than 15 children per grade. It is a real help and perhaps some parents around the areas can look around and start a school for children with the same problems. Private school help my children a lot and I can recommend it. Although private school has got a stigma that you must be rich and famous but believe me that this is not my case.
My child is on ritalin and the whole package is working perfectly.
Good luck to all
Anisa from South AFrica
I have twin fraternal 10yr old sons of which the eldest is Aspergers with mild autism. In New Zealand, educational funding for children with disabilities seems to be reserved for the top 3% and our government is in the process of removing the wonderful “Special Needs” teachers who are a constant in these children’s lives and making them mobile from school to school. Welcome to turmoil and chaos!
Luckily for me, while my sons “clash like titans”, the younger twin is his “protector” in the playground. When there is a hint of intimidation and bullying, anxiety and distress towards Aaron, Luke will intervene and stand up and speak up to whoever he needs to. When Luke was told by a relieving teacher to let Aaron stand up for himself when being bullied, Luke told her “He can’t because he has problems. That’s why I do it!” Luke knows, but didn’t see the need to say exactly what the “problems” were in the playground. Private school is beyond our financial means and personally, I don’t think home-schooling is beneficial for Aaron, but having been to the next school they will attend in 2yrs time, I am satisfied that as an advocate and defender for both my children, they will be okay. Like the deputy-principal of their current school said “This is his Mum. You will get to know her…… well!” I believe that each parent will do what is best for their child/children and our decision is not wrong or right, it is just the best for our child/children. Like most parents, we will move the sky and the earth for our kids.
(Thank you Dave for your articles……. It helps me to inform/educate everyone who touches our lives.)
I have a 11 year old son on the spectrum. I do believe traditional education in our public schools fails miserably for children that are not academic or good at sport.
If the children don’t fit in or can’t keep up with the work they are made to feel less than in a very short time.
My son has been at a small Waldorf remedial school for the last 2 years. He knows going to school will make hime feel better, actually wants to learn and is developing self confidence and a sense of who he is in the world, an absolute joy to see.
My son is 11 and has codiagnoses of PDD-NOS and ADHD. He is very intelligent. This year he started middle school, and we got him into the one school in our part of the district that offered single gender classes, because one of his “issues” is that he “hates girls”. I put it in quotes because it isn’t the fact that they are girls that he hates so much as when he was in about second grade or so, school was so overwhelming that he had to take his generalized anxiety and hate about school and focus it on an object and unfortunately he chose girls… In any case, most of his problems have been labelled behavioral. Though some are behavioral and social, some of his academic problems have to do with the fact that he has a really hard time approaching teachers for information, clarification of assignments, etc. And at least one thing that tanked his first quarter grades in English and social studies is the fact that assignments involving interpretation of social behavior mystify him. I’m gradually getting him to the point where he is telling me about problems instead of letting them get out of control before I even know there IS a problem.
Another example – something his ELA teacher calls “Cornell notes”. They involve taking a section of a text (say a book chapter) and writing a prediction, questions, connections (text to text, text to world, or text to self), vocab words, and then a summary. For most of the first quarter, he refused to do them. Well after we got his first quarter grade back – a 60, failing – and he was working on a project for the end of the book, I was able to secure a copy through the public library, partly so I could read it and partly so we would have it for reference purposes for the project. I told him that even though it was too late to get credit for them, I wanted him to do the Cornell notes for the book chapters so that when they started up again after Thanksgiving with something new, he would at least be ABLE to do them. That’s when I learned more about the structure of them. I saw immediately what his problem was: Most of “predicting”, “questioning”, and “connecting” relied heavily on being able to interpret the social situations in the book and communicate that in writing. Double whammy, as one of his major issues is writing. So over Thanksgiving break, he worked his way through, talking about them as he went. But I wish it hadn’t taken failing grades to get to the point where we could force him to do something.
I know this is long, but one more thing about bullying and then I’ll quit. Very recently, his science teacher assigned them a project to come up with a problem that needs solving, then invent something to solve it. In talking about this, our son revealed that there were bullies picking on him and saying he likes girls (the “girl issue” is widely known at this point). I told him that they are trying to get a rise out of him, and if he responds, he is the one who will get in trouble, not them – that is what they want, to get him upset and get him in trouble. So I said, try this: First, ignore them. If that doesn’t work and they escalate the provocation, try to get in a position where an adult can observe them. That way if they escalate enough, they will be the ones who get in trouble, not him. If they don’t stop and/or try to keep it covert enough, enlist the aid of one of the adults, like the resource teacher or guidance or whomever. Either way, going in with a strategy will hopefully give him confidence that he CAN do something and isn’t just at their mercy. My 2 cents… hope it helps someone.
aw crud – in all that diatribe I forgot to mention one of the most important points, that they offer single gender at his school but the incoming class was too small and they couldn’t do single gender this year so he is in a mixed class. That’s what is feeding the fire with most of his “behavioral” problems and the bullying example given at the end. Sorry
Hi Sharon,
I have a 12 year young son ADHD, aspie, etc…my son has writting issues also the saving grace is a neo2 , from renaissance- at least this machine helped my son get his thoughts on paper. My son is attending a private school paid for by the public school district who would sit him outside the classroom. If you wish to contact me here is my e-mail address aneckes@yahoo.com.
good luck ,
Aneckes
My son is 13 and was diagnosed 4 years ago. He is a very clever child and gets top grades but I always seem to be complaining to the school about bullying. It has got worse this year as his older brother left to go to college. I was made redundant and I can now take him to school and pick him up but I fear for him the whole time he is at school. Because his is so academic I don’t want to disrupt that by home schooling. He has private clarinet lessons and his teacher has two adult children with autism so is well aware of the problems and has amazing patience with him. She also works at this school so I am able to ask her advice on the school processes. He has recently started drama lessons and this has had an amazing affect on his confidence. People say that kids are accepting of other kids but they are horrible. My son is a lovely, affectionate, funny young man and I don’t understand why the other kids can’t see this. I worry so much for his future but I believe he has found his niche in the acting profession.
I have an 11 year old son liam who has aspergers, through out his school years so far he has been teased, stabbed in the chest with a sharpened pencil and had his head flushed down the toilet, all because he was as the principal put it “annoying to the other children and if he didnt want to get beaten up he should stop being so annoying” i have since moved him to a different school and he fits in alot better and the school deals with bulling in the right way, as far as home schooling goes, i for one agree with it but as a single parent trying to go to university i cant manage to do that, and to be honest when he is at school the break from him is nice
Lots of people tell me that homeschooling seems hard or that they couldn’t do it. But, for me, when I hear about those who struggle so terribly in the system, I think “I couldn’t do that”! It’s going to be tough either way. If my 10yo DD went to school, I would still have to deal with her after school, weekends, holidays, and summer. The positive parenting skills that I am learning (albeit slowly it seems!!) have to be learned for when she isn’t in school right?? So, I figure, homeschooling means I get to practice it more! It seems that for some, they almost have to force the schools, staff etc to follow suit. I would rather just have to deal with my daughter than deal with the schools too.
I had lots of problems getting my son in to classes that would expand his horizon, because,
school staff would only look at the numbers back from testing,(yearly ones,) done to
check on progress, and would not see his creative side for reading and language arts
schoools because his math would always come back low, – well now he is 36 yrs.
old, loves computer programming, drawing, and reads loads, and writes his own
stories, (sci-fi) but he also does not get help from others, -I’ve tried,
but he is home helping me manage the family home, and helps shop, It was very hard doing
oops, I’m working in a darkish room, and did not finish last en try– anything,
as I did not know what was wrong, as aspergers’ was not recognized, and not
any information out there for dr.s teachers, parents, – I was able to keep him in
scouting, all the way through high school, which he loved and did well.
He went to local college for awhile, totally on own, but now is burned out.
Our 7 year old daughter was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum with the eating disorder Pica in April this year.I can tell you that my daughter has a very hard time in school.She is smart and does well on homework and reading.She has problems with test taking,being able to stay focused due to the noise and commotion around her.Since kindergarten the teachers have said she did not fit in well.She tends to like things quite and structured.She has breakdowns over small changes to her schedule.She was at first diagnosed with ADHD.She does not do well with other kids.When she gets stressed she will just start chewing on things.It use to plastic but now she has became so stressed at school that she will put anything into her mouth.Over the summer she made progress and was dealing better with eating proper things . The school has done a somewhat assessment of my daughter but they are trying to say that they find nothing wrong with Emily.They see her behavior as normal. It seems that most of the visits with the ese people is one on one.Of course she does well one on one and in a quite room that is when she is her best.I told them they were wrong and we were going to get her help.The thing is that while all this goes on my daughter is hurting and doing poorly in school because of the above described issues and other things. So I reached my limit and spoke with her psychiatrist . They are placing my daughter in a program called hospital home bound until we can get some real help from the school . I have never thought of home schooling until the last year or two watching my daughter struggle at school with work that she knows but when in a time limited ,rushed and noisy environment she shuts down. The things that the doctors and psychiatrist say will help her the school will not give or do until she passes her assessment.Hence our problems. So at this point I believe my daughter being home schooled may be what is best. In a month or so I will see where we are.I know that social interactions are good for kids but if 90% of those interactions cause upset and stress then are they really worth it? I don’t believe so.I can try to find her other activities to help with that. Thanks for listening.
Good morning – I am thrilled that this opportunity is here to share school experiences! First, I believe that the method of teaching our children should be based on the child’s needs. I believe homeschooling, private schools, charter schools, public schools, etc all have an important role in educating kids. Each child is unique – therefore, different teaching methods need to be available.
I have an 11 year old daughter with Aspergers. She was dignosed at approx 6 years old – although we knew she had sensatory issues earlier. We started her off with homeschooling – she has always been a very bright child, ahead of schedule intellectually.
I got negative comments that homeschooling doesn’t allow enough socialization for kids – my response was – and still is – it is up to the parents to ensure they are providing a well rounded experience for the kids. We had her in Home schooling activities with other kids, home schooling co-op once a week (where she took “classes” with other home schooled kids), Story time at the local book store, library activities, and Sunday activities.
Once we learned of her being on the spectrum, we made a concious decision to place her in a charter school that focused on ADHD/ADD/High functioning Autism/Asperger students. Why? To provide her with the daily opportunity to use and learn social skills, would have entaled having her in too many activities at once (the items listed above varied, not all at once). With her transition and sensatory issues, this would have been an issue. I was very specific of the school I sought for her… I was putting her there to have the opportunity to use her social skills (Now, coming from a person who usually feels, school is to learn and not socialize, this took some adjustment for me! However, I go back to my earlier statement that foremost is the needs of our children).
The school has been working wonderful – she LOVES school, and was even promoted ahead a grade – and continues to be in the top groups. The positives of the school are:
It is structured to address aspergers needs, teaches to where the child’s ability is (ie – my daughter is ahead – they still provide her with challenges and opportunites). She is getting a great education and able to use her social skills every day (Although they learn social skills through the day, they even have a period of time set aside in the morning to help role play social skills).
The negatives are: Due to have special needs primarily represented in the school, the state has given the school a low rating since test scores are not at state standard. My issue with this is that you are not dealing “standard” children. The rating system needs to change to reflect a metric more suiting to specialized schools – how? Baseline the test scores – then set a metric that these students need to improve by X% and X% of the student population needs to change to meet standards. This would allow the state to see if the schools are making progress, the kids are making progress and rate the school appropriately. By having one set of standards for all schools, the state does a disservice to specialized schools.
Also, the elementary school has changed their format – so far, it has been discouraging to me as it loses the individual focus of the original model. The middle school doesn’t use the same format – and am still pleased with the results. I do not have experience with the high school. Socially, I love they have the role playing time to learn skills in a time when they are outside of a potential situation that could cause an “aspie moment”.
I tell my children that we evaluate the best place for them to learn on a year to year basis. This allows my daughter to transition easier if we would change schools. Because, no matter what the model the school uses, it also comes down to how good the teachers interact and share with the students.
Looking forward to reading others comments and sharing experiences!
My 10 year old son attended public school for four years – preschool through 2nd grade. During that time he was teased and bullied by his classmates (one in particular) on a daily basis. If the school even attempted to deal with it, they failed utterly. My son’s reaction to bullying has always been the same – loud, frustrated, tearful outbursts. Instead of disciplining the bully, the school constantly punished my son for his outbursts. On several occasions, teachers yelled at my son and even treated him with physical roughness – they themselves becoming the bullies. These teachers had no idea how to deal with him or protect him. Instead, they placed his desk next to the teacher’s to isolate him from the class (further singling him out as a bully target), and would remove him from the classroom (and from any learning) if he got loud.
As with most Aspies, intellectual ability is not a problem, and as I discovered after starting home school, he loves to learn. But in public school, he was starting to fail. He has pretty significant attention/focus issues, and added to the constant distraction and stress from the kids around him, he rarely finished his work. By the end of second grade, he was clinically depressed, having nightmares and anxiety, and hated going to school.
The following year I refused to send him back and started homeschooling him instead. I am so, so, so very grateful that I work from home and am able to homeschool my son, because I know for many it is not an option. He is learning absolutely everything I teach him, and that’s because he has one-on-one attention and can take the time he needs to get through each thing without being subjected to emotional and physical abuse. He is progressing in amazing ways with his school work, and often surprises my adult friends with his detailed knowledge about complicated subjects. He is no longer depressed. However, he continues to recount the stories of bullying incidents that occurred 2 and 3 years ago with the same high level of emotion – retelling about them over and over. These things are burned on his brain, forever a part of him, and something he will have to find a way to make peace with eventually.
So yeah, I was pretty upset by the comments from Dr Horowitz in your email. Especially – “So I’m very much opposed to home schooling, that even though at times I understand, parents are so frustrated in trying to protect their kids, that that might be the instinct. But in the long run they’re going to hurt them.” Seriously? I’m supposed to believe that 14 years of torture and abuse and systematic destruction of his self-esteem is going to teach my child to function better in this world? A pretty pathetic world it would be then. I’d much rather my son mature into an intelligent, creative, motivated, self-confident individual who can truly use the incredible gifts he was given to contribute to society.
Thanks for all you do, Dave, and for being an advocate.
I haven’t written my “story” on this blog yet, but I just want to stop right here and give Darci a huge round of applause for saying exactly how I feel. Very well put, Darci!
We have a 15 year old Son who has had issues all through school. He has endured bullying, but arguably most kids do. I believe in the case of my Son that his exposure to what is going on in the real world is valuable and needed. As much as his days are difficult, in my opinion he needs to develop coping skills to get through the minute, hour, day and years of his life. Once he graduates, there will be no special concessions in the work place, so how far should we be going to shield our children? If you are an employee, and are having a bad day, week, or month, no one really cares. If you can’t meet the deliverables expected you will be replaced by one who can. I personally don’t want a grown man child living in my basement. Am I wrong for wanting him to learn to cope and have the benefit of gaining more confidence and self respect as a result?
I think society has been very good at putting people into boxes. ADHD, ADD, Asperger’s and such. These challenges have been around a long time and people usually develop coping skills.
So to summarize, to date we have chosen not to wrap our Son in bubble wrap. I hope he continues to push back his natural tendancies to quit at things and to keep moving forward.
Best of luck to us all.
ya know Dad, I think that you need to take a step back and help your son get the support that he probably needs during these difficult teenage years. Life is confusing when you’re an aspi and getting bullied can cause serious depression (and other self hating behaviors). Your son sounds like my daughter before she got into a private school for academically motivated kids. Now she loves school instead of hating it. her emotional state is far better and life is far easier for all of us. There are support systems out there for aspergers people and I think that well supported aspergers people can find careers that fit into their thinking style. it seems like you are trying to put your square peg in a round hole and “toughen” him up.
I say step back and realize that you’re more likely to have a “man-child” in your basement if you don’t give him the support that he needs during these formative years.
I don’t disagree with everything that you said, but I think you are taking a hard line with a situation that you don’t really understand (you aren’t him). He needs support and once he has it he will fly, but if you don’t help him with that it could really turn out poorly for everyone. especially your son.
be careful.
I feel similar — my son’s going to have to function in the real world, with all the good and bad in it. We talk about everything that goes on and discuss why kids can be mean. I give him strategies to use with the other kids. I do realize that I may always have to explain people to him, but he now knows that he sees things differently. I’m finding that the more comfortable he is with himself, the better he does. I may always have to help him figure life out, but that’s ok.
What if your son became so depressed from the bullying he was suicidal?Thats what we faced and it was worse than anything I’ve experienced before.I wish he could function in society and be ok but I am just glad that he is home and happy and still with us!!!
My 16 y.o. son at the age of three told me that he didn’t think like the other kids. I told him then that he was like a puppy and he had to grow into his brain. Since then, he has been diagnosed with almost the entire range of alphabet soup (starting off with GAD withe OCD features). He is very intelligent and knows it. He didn’t get diagnosed with Aspergers spectrum until middle school. He is classified in his IEP as ED. He has been in mainstreamed school the entire time with a couple of periods in day programs which benefitted him greatly. I had left him in mainstream education because I thought it best at that time that we work on his socialization skills. Yes there was a lot of bullying and I would at times be in contact with the school several times a day with his behaviors in reaction to that bullying. I had a wonderful advocate helping me. I also got him involved in Boy Scouts and other things to help him with that socialization. My son always did well one-on-one with adults but never well with his peers. I must say that the school system we were in made a concerted effort to deal with bullying involving a local police officer in schools. There is a true zero tolerance for any type of bullying. In fact, one of my son’s attackers was taken from school in handcuffs and jailed. That child was not allowed back into the school system. We made the decision to mainstream my son because of his intelligence and we felt that we wanted to teach him coping skills to deal with the rest of the world while his “foundation” was being formed. It has worked well for us yet I have friends whose sons are also in the spectrum that need specialized LRE. Aspergers is a spectrum and it is my firm belief that the decisions need to be made on an individual basis. What is needed is a national agreement on what LRE really means and that is must decided upon and followed through for EACH child. I have had to help my friends with learning how to become that squeaky wheel because I have had to several times threaten to sue the school system to make things happen that were in my son’s LRE. For my son, homeschooling would not have been the best decision but for one of my friends it is. The focus for all should be what is in the best interest for THIS child and not the school system or parents or teachers.
I am a mother of two wonderful boys ages 4 and 7. My 4 year old is always willing to adjust for his brother’s sake, no Santa Claus parade, no problem. He is simply awesome! My 7 year old was diagnosed with aspergers, tourette and ADHD, a full plate for such a sweet little guy. He has come a long way since starting school three years ago. In grade one he was at the height of his anxiety. We moved, he was starting a new school and it was French Immersion! BIG MISTAKE! Let’s add having to take a school bus for the first time oh and the icing on the cake…. I was, and still am going through a nasty separation. I felt horrible and responsible for all his stress, how could I do this to my child. To make matters worse his new school did not have the resources needed and he slowly regressed. Each day was a challenge; from bribing to promising him toys and other wonderful things to just dragging him to school, he didn’t want to go and once there he didn’t want to stay. Most days I left the school crying feeling helpless and not knowing if I was doing the right thing. The school had me picking him up 3 out of 5 days, eventually his time spent at school diminished to a measly 90 minutes a day. I took time off work for myself but more importantly to help my son who desperately needed me. I schooled him at home hoping he would be caught up the following year. My first challenge was fighting my ex to get him out of the French Immersion. No one in our family speaks French! I will never know why I went along with this idea of French Immersion. Getting him out of this class was a fight I could not win; my ex went against everything I was trying to do to help my child. I could not imagine why he would do this to our son, so I chose to believe it was out of spite for me ending the marriage. Luckily, the school intervened, broke their policy, and moved him into an English class… there’s a long story I’m not getting into. As life became predictable for him he started slowly coming around. His facial expression slowly came back from the blank stare I was getting previously. The first time I heard him laugh in a very long time was the best sound ever. Eventually the school put in place an IEP and he was moved to a small class in another school and we moved to a new neighbourhood yet again. This was by far the scariest time in my life. Being a single mom means I am financial and emotionally responsible for these two little lives. I thought my future seemed uncertain at times. What has this taught me about my son? Given the right environment, he will thrive! My son now loves going to school, stays at school for the entire day and is teaching the other students to use the computer. He is engaging in school activities, social with the other children and has even had a play date with a friend from his class. Keep in mind he is 7 years old and in grade 2! My hopes for him succeeding no longer have limits. Teachers and the right environment make all the difference. My son is willing and able to learn, but it must be on his own terms. There needs to be more classes that cater to this kind of education, if it means sitting on top of the desk, or lying on the floor, learning on a computer or listening to music. Schools have to conform to children with ASD not the other way around. He is very bright and his abilities continue to shock and amaze me. Life with my ex will always be a challenge, but my kids drive me and give me so much hope. I am currently still fighting for full custody and full decision making.
I have read all the comments and replies from Dave Angel. It is always extremely interesting and educating to be informed about any experiences people have with Asperger persons.
I have a 6 year old son. He was spotted by his reception teacher in November last year. My wife and I were called for a meeting with the SENCo and my son’s teacher. We were told they believed he is a high functioning autistic child, most likely an Asperger. After a long fight and a bit of persuasion with our GP, in September last he was finally diagnosed as an Asperger. He is in year one and, so far, he has dome it very well. As opposed to Sarah Ann Higgins son, ours enjoys the support, care and understanding on the part of not merely the SENCo but also the rest of the staff at his primary school. Not surprisingly, this school is a community mainstream school totally devoted to create a social atmosphere within the community. And they have really achieved it! In terms of its social progress and achievements the last of Ofsted report gave it a 1 – 2 performance. That is outstanding and good.
So, for the time being all seems to go well. We are aware that he is only 6 years old and we can say it is just the beginning of a long and unpredictable process. In the circumstances, my wife and I do believe that he should go to a mainstream school where, despite the inevitably level of bullying that prevails (I must say that in his school that issue is very much under control. So, it takes place but at a very small scale). My son is surrounded by excellent friends and parents who do try to be understanding and supportive. Therefore, it is no comparison to having him at home than at the school. I repeat, at least for the time being this appears to be working well. I do not dare to anticipate anything, be this good or bad.
I must say that although it is important, very important to be knowledgeable about the legal side it is even more important to give your children love and understanding. They feel it and this has a definite impact in their lives. For their confidence and self-esteem is at all times present and this can be used as a shield to mitigate, if only a bit, any aggression and isolation they may feel while at the school.
Yes, what a shame about Diane’s on. This issue of people with Aasperger syndrome has only been brought to the attention of more people since the beginning of the 90′s. What a shame too, that the famous article the Austrian specialist, Hans Asperger, wrote in 1942 about that group of children he was working with. It was written in German and therefore remained in the obscurity until 1991. And the fact that Aspies are not so obvious like other more severe autistic people made it all more confusing and hence led people to take the very wrong decisions, as it was the case with Diane’s son. But I cannot accept he will remain as afraid or isolated as he is now. Time and being always alert as to what his interest are will play a decisive roll in successfully bringing up your son, Diane. Just do never give up. be realistic, not optimistic or pessimistic. Just observe him and, of course, make him to feel loved and important to you and other people. Let us not be confused with the fact they cannot understand the social environment, the unwritten social rules, with the fact they do feel and observe like us.
As we know, a lot of work in this field has been done since the early 80′s. But it is us, the parents/carers or any person who is in one way or another involved with autism who must convey the message to the public at all times. For not only is it our role to learn, understand, teach and give support to our children with Autism but also to constantly tell people about it. After all, Autistic persons are just different people. That’s all. If people understand this condition, that is, that they are simply different people, a lot can be done to help them to live normal lives.
Sorry for being too long. It is my first involvement in this forum and although I have been reading what Dave Angle has sent us over the last few months, it is not always the same to be participating in an open forum exchanging one’s experiences and opinions with other people who know about this world of the autistic spectrum.
My son is 13 1/2 in 8th grade at a private school for children with disabilities. The majority of the students are on the spectrum. I am so happy to have found this school which is an hour away. The teachers are amazing and really “get” these kids. My son always had trouble making friends, but here, at this school he finally has made friends. He said “I fit here mom.” That melted my heart and made the $30,000 per year tuition all worth while. He had been educated previously in the mainstream. Elementary school was a challenge, but he and I had the support of an excellent Resource Specialist and every teacher was willing to accommodate his needs. In 5th grade he received an award for “achievement despite hardship”. Middle School was the problem! The bullying was out of control. Also, several teachers and the Resource Specialist were unwilling to accommodate him despite a comprehensive IEP. My son developed severe depression and became suicidal. I considered home-schooling until I found out about this amazing private school and moved him mid-year 7th grade. I didn’t have the energy to fight my school district anymore even though I know I had a good case. My husband and I are using our retirement savings, but again every penney is worth it to see our son happy, motivated and making friends. The other parents at this private school have gone through similar experiences. The bullying in the mainstream is extremely detrimental to our children. I hope my comment helps someone.
Our oldest son (now 22) was not diagnosed with Aspergers, but was diagnosed with non-verbal learning disability, which is very much like Aspergers, and which many Aspies have in addition to Aspergers.
We did not know anything about Aspergers at the time that we first ran into his ‘symptoms’, nor when we decided to home school.
This son began his schooling experiences in a private school filled with lots of paper work. He had dysgraphia/dyslexia (as the cause of his NLD was convergence insufficiency).
This son could not handle paper work at that age at all. He could not work fill in the blanks in order, nor could he tell which ones were blank after he tried filling them in – unless someone was sitting with him throughout the course of all of his paper work. He could not remember all of the instructions for each page. He also could not develop a system by which he could tell when he had corrected any and/or all of the red-checked blanks when his papers came back to him for correction.
Being the highly verbal child that he was, of course much of this didn’t make much sense to any of us, but someone did manage to refer us to a developmental ophthalmologist. Sadly, at first, that ophthalmologist knew that he could do vision therapy to change the motor skill patterns of the eyes, but he did not know how to change the thinking patterns which our son had developed with regards to academic skills, spatial processing (e.g. for math and spelling), etc. Therefore he advised against vision therapy at the time (later he found out about a couple of rather related approaches which would change the thinking patterns, but not in time for our son’s early years in school).
Since there was a child in my husband’s family who had ADHD (legitimately), we were feeling family pressure to have our son checked for this dx as well. Indeed, a doctor did provide a dx of ADHD for our son, though improperly so.
We also heard about a remarkable lady who worked at the DHS near us, who had provided much insight for parents with struggling children.
We made an appointment and met with her, with good results, but limited results.
This DHS worker assessed our son and sat down with me to explain what she found (keeping in mind that NLD had not been a formal dx long enough for her to know anything about the formal dx at the time):
1) our son did not have ADHD (he wiggled at the wrong time – he was still during the test, but wriggling significantly while trying to find out about his test results…. he rather hated tests anyway – as they always left him feeling vulnerable…..)
2) our son did have ‘an anxious personality’ by her estimation, and, at that time, he was experiencing acute anxiety disorder (family trauma was a part, but school seemed to be the larger issue……)
3) our son was believed to be genius or at least border line genius by her estimation (with her realizing that he’d test differently every day of the week…… – thus her hesitancy with determining a place on the scale for him…….., not wanting to limit him, nor wanting to expect too much from him)
4) by her assessment, private school would remain a nightmare for our son due to the heavy dependence upon paper work in most private schools
5) by her assessment, if a public school would cater to our son’s giftedness, he would thrive, but if they catered to his weaknesses, it would be social catastrophe for him, as he would be in classes with children who would *not* understand him, and would persecute him for his differences
6) due to our son’s significant dysgraphia, it did not seem at all likely that they would cater to his strengths (even though they were profound – e.g. – he knew all of the laws of Newton when he was 4 yo because he asked questions about moving objects – quite startled by what they were doing in comparison to what he expected them to do…. etc.)
7) this DHS worker was also extremely impressed by the work I had been doing with my son to help him face his anxieties and learn to work through them (we were using the violin to do that……… she provided a bit of guidance on other areas of discipline, and acknowledged my own frustration for not handling any of our son’s ‘training’ ideally, but she acknowledged that frustration with a lot of compassion, encouraging me in all of the directions I had been leaning towards already…… – even though, to me, some of them seemed a bit ‘out there’ – - – such as keeping a much closer reign on our son in the neighborhood since he didn’t seem to have any sense that cars were coming, and such as significantly more firm disciplinary action *after* we knew our son knew a given skill set, etc….)
Anyway, with the above feedback, we opted for homeschooling rather than subject our son to yet another school failure before bringing him home……..
……….
At home, we were able to accomodate lesson format for our son. For example:
a) ‘composition’ was verbal…. in 3rd grade, we worked more on understanding the power of words. First, we worked on the skill of describing things. We did this verbally by asking for things like, “Describe the stop sign without using the word stop or sign.” Being at home, I could model to a certain degree, and challenge our son when *he* was ready for more.
b) Then we move on to ‘verbal rewrites’ in line with the written assignments assigned in _Understanding Writing_. Some of those rewrites incorporated poetic devices. One of the results stuck with me, as it was so very well done, though many were well done. This is the one which struck me so deeply: “The happy speedboat skips across the ocean playing shadow tag with the fish below.” – - – - – He could not have accomplished anything like that in a public school setting…..
c) During the course of ‘rewrite work’, we began to develop his awareness of the power of a well chosen word, first by requiring him to use other words than ‘happy’ (he loved happy things at the time, but was amazed at the types of happiness found in the thesaurus listing for ‘happy’). We made a happy plate with the various words for ‘happy’ (e.g. – contented, thrilled, etc.) written around on the ridges of a paper plate. He made good use of those words, and over time, explored other thesaurus entries while working verbal rewrites. At one point, he decided that there are many one dollar words, but sometimes there are five dollar words, or twenty dollar words, and even one hundered dollar words. He valued that power greatly after these exercises (which we didn’t work through as a ‘unit’, but as they were implied by the need of his latest ‘rewrite’ experiences).
d) in learning to organize ideas, our son learned to realize he had important things to share with others thusly: We had him draw a circle graph with ‘choir’ as the subject for the circle graph (he was enjoying choir that particular term). Then we had him write one given word in each of the circles – one word which referred to a topic he could write about with regards to choir. Then we asked him to consider what formats of writing would be meaningful if he were to write anything about his choir experiences. He realized he could delight his grandmother with a letter describing some of his experiences. He realized he could encourage his choir director with a simple, meaningful thank you. Then he realized he could help develop a poster to encourage others to enjoy choir as he had done.
Due to his dysgraphia, he did not write anything but the thank you (and that took a couple of weeks to ‘get right’……..), but he was greatly impressed by the fact that he had something worth saying, and thanks to the ‘rewrite exercies’, he knew he could say those things extraordinarily well.
e) with regards to grammar, during rewrites, we pulled out a grammar book and introduced the idea that the organization of a sentence could empower his message profoundly – he could hardly wait for grammar lessons, and valued them greatly (We held off on them for a season, and when he finally began them, they were difficult, but over time, he has managed a good working sense of grammar over all, though for any publication, he would benefit greatly from a skilled editor.)
f) with regards to spelling, our son could not make any progress until we discovered the fact that there is such a thing as educational law, and there are gentle approaches to implementing those laws – and the means to learn about those approaches was to study the work of Charlotte Mason…….., after a ‘basic’ Charlotte Mason styled education had been modified (according to educational law – as understood from CM’s writings), that style of education fit our son’s needs and began ‘changing his thinking patterns’, which was something which our doctor did not think had been possible. So we contacted him, and he reported that he’d been discovering the same principles via both Charlotte Mason and another developmental ophthalmologist.
That’s when we finally began vision therapy. The vision therapy sped up the process of learning to spell and write well, but our son was making amazing progress even prior to vision therapy.
We learned how to teach our son to visualize words in context of both actual text and in context of other similarly spelled words. That broke through for him where mere phonics and spelling lists could do nothing.
When he finally reported, “Wow, there is that misspelled word! And it *looks* wrong!”, I knew that he would break through and learn to spell.
When he is tired, he might revert back to misspellings. However, he has learned the *power* of learning to spell WHILE READING, which is virtually unheard of for an NLDer who had a difficulty with spelling.
This could not have been accomplished for him in a school setting.
[Keep in mind that he did not 'grow out of' his dysgraphia until he was out of high school.]
g) As for extended written composition, we made few assignments, but very pointed ones. He did much verbal composition in the form of narrations, which were difficult for him in some ways, but which were a powerful tool to help him realize even more of his capabilities.
For example, we worked on modified outlines as ‘written reports’ or ‘narrations’ as we would call them. His developmental psych reported that she did not have any ‘schooled’ child doing as well in overcoming disabilities.
As another example, he learned to plan a written paper to compare and contrast a current event with a philosophical and/or religious understanding – though he did not have to write out such papers.
………..
Final outcome? Our son did not finish his history course with me until after he had been done with ‘homeschool high school’ for some time, but when he did, he was finally capable of writing a report, so we assigned one – - – - and instead, he wrote a book – inspired by the incredibly rich books he was free to read because he was homeschooled.
It is only a rough draft and needs some serious reworking, which is currently beyond him, but there are whole sections which are beautifully and meaningfully written.
Further, one of his employers’ sons-in-law read that book and compared it to another published book by the same title, and recognized the ‘fluff’ nature of the published book, as compared with the depth and meaning found in our son’s unpublished book.
At that point in time, our son was offered a full scholarship for college from his employer, with whom he had studied land management, animal husbandry, skills needed to build an oil pipe construction corral for cattle, and etc. on the side of his job.
After considering long, he decided to decline accepting that offer for deep and meaningful reasons, and is lined up for college through naval service.
………
Our son also made amazing break throughs in other areas as well:
I). in spite of his love of physics, his math skills were virtually non-existent, however, thanks to educational law, he has learned how to break through those barriers and will not declare his major until he knows where his math ceiling is (and since he watched an Aspie who was attending Cal Tech a few years ago learn to break through his math wall and not only finish his bachelors which it looked as if he could not finish, he is working on his masters at MIT – - anyway, with that inspiration, and with knowing how that young man worked through his math wall, he has high hopes…….)
II). He accomplished the inconceivable on his violin, though there were a few years when we moved forward with only a tentative approach because we hadn’t finished putting together all of the pieces of the puzzle. He knows now that IF he has a child with convergence issues, and IF he, for any reason, cannot obtain vision therapy for such a child, he knows HOW to help any child of his own who might wish to break down music walls to do just that.
III). He learned *how* to learn a foreign language, which taught him how to relearn how to read in English – so that now, though his doctor said that even after vision therapy, he could not learn to speed read, he is indeed quite capable of speed reading.
IV). His developmental ophthalmologist commented at one point on our son’s solid social skills (not quite so cleared up that peers took to him well when he was in junior high and high school, but so cleared up that *no* adults could sense any issues at all – well, perhaps some mild interrupting……, but that’s not only an Aspie/NLDer issue……..). We told him of the types of training we had done with him when he was young to help him overcome:
–overliteralism
–inability to discern sarcasm and/or wrangle with it effectively
–blurting
–insistence on following a schedule – and other areas of inflexibility
–etc.
He was shocked to hear that our son had these types of problems.
IMHO, he could not have overcome these problems in a school away from home, as many of those responses need to not only be discussed, but new habits need to be developed, and those cannot be developed without constant attention to each and every ‘mis-step’ in those related behavior.
V). Though the other areas of success in his life might possibly have been achieved if he was in public school, we do not think they would have, due to the strain and pressure of trying to conform to ‘brick school expectations’.
Those other areas include, but are not limited to:
a) becoming a national level athlete in the sport of crew rowing
b) developing depth of understanding in the area of engine design (tutored by a local NAPA store owner), as well as economics (while studying the excellent *literary* approach to learning which he was able to enjoy via homeschool)
c) developing a solid sense of history via a literary education as well
d) developing a great appreciation for literature, in particular, Shakespeare and poetry (he would prefer to sit down to a Shakespeare reading than a movie *most* of the time)
………
…….and so on……..
FWIW, this type of life could not have been possible for him if he had tried to move to a public school after his private school failure……..
Today’s public and/or private schools might have learned *better* how to work with our son, and earlier intervention in the form of vision therapy *sooner*, might also have made public and/or private school more accessible for him……..
However, making them more accessible would not have necessarily made them as effective as the education which he did receive, in spite of real short comings (there is no perfect school………..).
FWIW, that’s our experience.
I hope it encourages someone else to homeschool using the Charlotte Mason approach (in particular, using at least portions of the AmblesideOnline curriculum).
After all, Charlotte Mason’s assessment of education was not how much the child learned, but how many things the child cared about – - – after all, it takes a good deal of understanding and knowledge to care about many things…….., which my son does……
Does the public school produce graduates who care deeply about many things???????, well, besides their entertainment?
He was frustrated through the years with written composition, but was driven to
We have been fortunate to have a small charter high school that has been a perfect match for my grandson, who has Aspergers. He would not have survived in a large community high school, but also would not have done well home schooled. He has no interest in outside activities and has been constantly encouraged to participate in scouts. As scouts is the only social activity that he participates in, he is now working on his Eagle Scout project. If we could have interested him in a variety of outside, social activities, and had not found the high school he attends, we would have favored home schooling.
I don’t think that either homeschooling or normal-schooling by itself is necessarily the significant factor. Each has positives and negatives.
What I have found is that some schools have good teachers and good support while others do not. Even in schools with good support, there will sometimes be mean spirited children or less capable teachers.
The same goes for homeschooling. A dedicated parent/teacher can make a world of difference if they have the right resources and they strike good social balance (for example, allowing their child to mingle with other children at scouts).
On the other hand, a parent who homeschools with less dedication or who has an intolerant attitude can make things even more stressful for the child.
It’s less about the type of schooling than the teachers and support network.
thanks Dave for all your amazing info and support. Our problems only really became apparent when our son moved from a small supportive primary school to a supposedly ‘good’ but large, 1 size fits all, south London secondary school. A disaster especially as we didn’t have a diagnosis at the time, he is very high functionning so no-one ever believed there was a problem when we flagged up concerns in primary school. Unfortunately even SENCO’s don’t seem aware that HF aspergers often only becomes apparent in Yr7/8 when kids are suddenly out of their depth so there was no understanding or sympathy for either us or our highly anxious child. He developed appendicitis within 5 weeks of starting at the school, we then changed to a small private school but they also didn’t understand that he could appear to be fine to them but genuinely have a problem (everyone seems to blame a neurotic mother ‘he’s fine when you’re not around!’, not realising that he lets it all out when feeling safe with me nearby). Long and short of it all, he became quite suicidal so we had to take him out of that school too. Quite by chance we came across an internet school, InterHigh, and he has been there happily ever since.
InterHigh offer a reasonable range of subjects, teaching IGCSEs and A levels. Lessons are in real time, with real teachers and classmates – the set up is like a chat room and lessons + homework are uploaded onto the website. Lessons finish by lunchtime as there is no time wasted on registration, breaks, moving between classrooms etc. Usually 1 subject is taught per day, some days 2 or 3 subjects. The biggest problem is developing his motivation to do things outside the house as he resists interaction with people he doesn’t know or doesn’t particularly like. We would love him to go back to school for 6th form as he needs to learn more of the social skills and develop strategies to cope in the real world. By 6th form he’d hopefully be with students who want to learn and who have more understanding of someone who is anxious or nervous. However, he’s not so keen and we’ve learnt the hard way that he’ll do what he wants to do!
InterHigh has been our lifeline, he is getting an education even if not as complete as we would like (obviously no art/music/sport and he’s not interested in extra curricular clubs) but I couldn’t have coped with complete homeschooling. It’s hard to judge how well he is doing compared to his peers in traditional education but he has proper subject teachers, occasionally meets up with students who live in London or UK (school meets in Wales every Easter) and he is motivated to ‘go’ to school every day, even when I’m out working.
There are students from all over the world, some have had difficulties at school, others move from country to country when parents change jobs, there are also some who need this flexible education to pursue high level sports. It’s a great concept.
What have we learnt from all this? That no-one in mainstream education seems to have a clue about aspergers and how to handle a student with this diagnosis. They jump to conclusions from the outward appearance of the child, not wanting to listen to parents or even therapists about what is really going on. It’s all about ‘he’ll just have to learn to get on with it’ and it took us a long time to realise that we weren’t being bad parents when we had no choice but to take a different route. If only schools/teachers/SENCO’s were interested in learning more it would help so many, both teachers, aspergers students and NT students. We so desperately wish the school had a better understanding as his phobia of people has only developed due to his terrible experiences in trad school settings. If they had supported and understood him properly we’re sure he’d be in school and doing fine with a bit of help.
We’ve also learnt that kids who step out of the system fall off the radar – no-one was aware that he was no longer at school, we had no-one to advise or help us, no access to eg dyslexia assessment or group therapies or help/advice to get a statement. It’s as though he no longer existed as any educational support is only offered through a school setting. There doesn’t seem to be a link between the ed pychs/mental health teams and education. They work separately so a CAMHS team can’t help with educational issues which leaves an enormous gap.
Thanks for reading, hope I’ve added some food/info for thought!
This is a great feedback with everyone experience. I have a son who will be turning 26 in December. When he was going through school they knew he was behind and some health issues such as tubes put in his ears,allergies. He received help at a young age. We did move when he was in junior high to another state. High was a disaster for him. He was picked on at school especially the girls. He graduate high school and joined the job corp in Long Beach,California. They helped him get him a driving license but not a job. We found out later on he was picked on. He looks back but does not think of it has a bad experience because he has his independence which means alot to him We have had two psychologist identify he has asbergers. He has a job with Albertson but does not make enough to survive on his own. As he is getting older he socially as regressed and obsessive on TV and movies. The computer has been a tool for him but recently has caused him trouble going to porn or websites with virus that has crashed his computer. He is lonely and vulnerable. We have told him don’t do it or he will lose his computer. We applied for SSI and was denied partly because he had to much money and not physically or mentally bad enough off. We started the paperwork again and will appeal it if denied. He would greatly benefit living in a rehabilitation facility. Right now he is stuck on a lease until August. Here in Idaho to have a coordinator service see him 10 hours in a would be out of pocket $600 which he cannot afford. It is encouraging to hear other people stories. We all need to be encouraged.
oops. As I read my own post. I am not the greatest writer and out of practice. I apologize for the sloppy writing.
Thanks
My 14 year old daughter has Aspergers and had a terrible time from 4th grade to 8th grade in public school. She was in the gifted track, and did very very well academically, but had a difficult time with her peers. She was very consistently bullied and became really victim minded (why me? why am I so weird, why do they pick on me?). By the end of 6th grade she had finally made a friend. By the end of 8th grade she had 2 or 3 friends, but school was still almost unbearable. Her IEP was ONLY about socialization and nothing academic at all. She finished middle school with a 4.0 GPA. it was, in retrospect, a very difficult time.
She got into a private prep school (by far the “best school” in the region) for the 9th grade and it has changed her life. She loves school, she has friends, she played a varsity sport (and even lettered), and she is still making straight A’s. The school offers financial aid (I am a single mom and the dad isn’t helping with the tuition) and it’s truly been a miraculous beginning to her high school years. she is SO happy and SO in love with school. All I can say is keep looking for an alternative. They are out there and it is SO worth it when you find it.
My youngest son (15) was first diagnosed with PDD/non-specified. Later on his psychologist diagnosed him with Aspergers. He attended a private Christian school until 6th grade. That is when his problems came to a point that something major had to be done. He was home schooled for about the final two months of 6th grade. He missed the interaction with other kids; even though he had no close meaningful relationships. He attended a school designed especially for Asperberger children for 7th/8th grade. He really didn’t fit in with those children either. All seemed to have more problems than my son. My son has been attending a social skills group for over two years. This group has really helped him. This past fall he returned to the private Christian school. He still struggles with where or how he fits into the school. He also struggles with close relationships with his peers. I feel if he were homeschooled that he would still struggle with close relationships with peers. He might not have the trouble with inappropriate comments, etc. that he has by being in school. He has excelled academically. The main struggle he has is with talking to people and not making inappropriate comments or gestures. I do know that my son couldn’t handle the public school environment. Therefore if the private Christian school wasn’t available to us then he would probably have to be homeschooled. The private school has been great to work out an intervention plan to help my son with extended testing time, etc.
It’d probably help this discussion to mention what country we’re from (Australia for me).
Hans Asperger noted that a “shadow” of the Aspie symptoms is often present in the father. I believe that’s what I am, a Shadow Aspie. I went through hell at a boarding school in my childhood, and my Aspie son will not no matter what I have to do. He’s finishing mainstream year 3 now, and so far has evaded the bullying due to 1) organised activities every single lunchtime, and 2) even more obvious targets in his year. I don’t think his “flying under the radar” will last for ever, and it’s nice to see so many great results from homeschooling. We’re almost bankrupt as it is, but I’m going to try and earn enough money for my wife to homeschool him when he reaches the worst bullying age (yr 8-9).
Is there an organised group that bullying victims can join, to bring pressure and accountability to idiot schools and principals? And if not, why not?
WOW! it is a bit overwhelming and eye opening to read all the experiences. brings up the nightmares and the feelings of hopelessness along with the yep, I’v been there, know what your talking about, so good to hear I’m not alone. Let me start by saying as a high school teacher @ a private school, I sure can tell when a student has been home schooled. Those that I have been privileged to have in class stand out. they are self disciplined and self motivated to get their work done… kudos to the parents,
well our experience has been quite the nightmare along with those nuggets of gold we all search for. the first elementary years kept getting worst than the last, our son was out of public school several months with no schooling coming in. we were just so exhausted dealing w/ all the melt downs. then we were able to have him in a treatment center for one year. that year was golden as he was accepted for who he was and there was much anxiety he had re: elem school. therapy helped to slowly undo the previous teachers damage. that year I was able to start hoping again. the next year re-entering public ed, armed with IEP and help from the autism specialist. there was much learning both on our part and with the school staff. some were open and did their research to be a more positive teacher. our son asperger and sensory dysfunction, what stood out for us was the lack of understanding and training within the sp-ed staff. sometimes out right unbelievable in their treatment toward our son and us parents. It was a fine line we had to walk with them demanding more of us and out right telling us they do not want our son there. with the help from a professional /lawyer, we learned plenty and the school knows they were wrong, and that we know they were!!! lack of knowledge and understanding, such a loss. I much prefer the “we are all on the same team” approach.
Now starting middle school has begun a new experience. both positives and negatives, we do keep the possibility of half public and half home-schooled.. like the one post says, I too look forward to the break that sending him off to school brings me. sadly we also watched as our circle of friends have shrunk, even lack of family/able support. ASD is full time….over all we have to be willing to make the choices to help our child. and know that our choice is the right one.
Neither my parents nor I knew what caused my difficulties thru my (public) school years, though I managed to achieve academic success in spite of the bullies and the social exclusions I endured. Upon very recent discovery that I was autistic, I was horrified that my daughter had already finished public high school, because many opportunities to better protect her from unnecessarily suffering experiences like mine had already passed by. At this time she is struggling to cope even more than I ever did.
w.m.
We have an 11 year old son that we adopted a year and a half ago. He was only diagnosed with aspergers about a year ago once he began to feel safe and comfortable in our home. He was mainstreamed in a public school last year and by the end of the year he had 37 refferals 15 in house suspensions and 10 home suspensions all for inpulsivity and inappropriate social skills. We tried to get special services for him but he was “too smart” and didn’t qualify. So we made the decision to home school, although it is not easy there are so many things that are so much better now that he’s home. Having him home gives us the ability to involve him in appropriate social activities and work more closely with him on teaching skills appropriate for each setting. This kind of teaching would not be possible in a public school setting and as our son showed us last year his need for one on one teaching was necessary. I must say though that as you all know each asperger child is very different in every way and what works for one might not work for another. We are learning more and more each day about this disability and your emails are very helpful. I wish we could afford to purchase your program but until then we will just keep gleaning from the bits we do get. Thank you
My son is 14 – diagnosed last May with Aspergers. Last year – his last year of middle school he was put in “alternative school” because they did not know how to handle him (this is “ISS for at risk youth”). This year – high school. He is failing most of his classes. I am learning more about Aspergers – but I am having a very hard time finding resources. I just learned that there is an Autism Supplement that was supposed to be part of his IEP – which was not. I was told that my son “is intelligent and is just lazy” and that he “needs to learn to control his anger and stay focused in class”. I also just found out that NO ONE at his school has been trained to work with children with Autism because he is the first child they have had (we just moved to a small TX town – OMG).
I am in tears – I dont know what to do. I am at a loss – I dont understand the system, and cant afford an attorney. I need an Autism Mom Mentor in the San Antonio/Austin area to show me the ropes in fighting the school system! I need support! Public schools do not support Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder.
Hi Pam, my heart goes out to you. I hear your plea of anguish for support. yep, the schools do not like to support ASD needs. let me encourage you that as MOM you know and are the best expert on your child. I used to believe that trained school staff knew more, the “to seek out and find the child in need to better serve them”. just was not really happening. I am not in Texas, but would gladly share our experiences. For us the expense of the professional lawyer w/ training in special needs, was hard but turned out one of the best investments for us. Search for Autism support groups in your county. See what is in the surrounding areas. if you wish send me a note ninadaniels@hotmail.com keep your head up with arms and legs paddling as hard as you can…….
Hi Pam, I also feel your pain. Luckly this wasn’t the first time I had to deal with schools for a child with special needs so I knew the ropes a bit. Your first step would be to search out a Child Advocate. They are free and I’m pretty sure most states have them. I believe if you google Child Advocate for special needs children in your area you should be able to find something. What ever you do don’t give up and let the school make the decisions for your child. We were having the same kind of issues with our 11year old but decided to home school. In our case that is what is working best for us. It’s not always the best thing, you just have to do what works for you and your child. I have found out the the rules for diagnosing a child with ASD in the schools have drasticly changed and it is very difficult to get the schools on board, thusly making my decision to home school that much eaiser. Hang in there and keep fighting.
I am seekng some general info about Aspergers and behavior. Are kids with aspergers usually aggressive or withdrawn? What impedes their ability to learn. It does not seem thieir IQ is low, so is it their inability to “fit in ” with other kids? An inabilty to focus. If you could provide some insight I would appreciate it
My son, who has Aspergers disorder, is now 26 years old. He did alright at the Public School in the Prep School, Grade 1 – Grade 3. This is where they picked up his disorder, although we had him at other medical centres already, no-one however could diagnose the actual condition. We were lucky that the Prep school gave him extra lessons in spelling, reading and writing. He also did fine at the Primary school Grade 4 to Grade 7 as we had a wonderful principal. Our daughter had gone to this school and had a very good name with them, so he was treated very well and fairly, although they knew he was different. BUT, come high school and the trouble really started. We had him at various schools until eventually we found a very small remedial private school, where the teens were allowed to dress how they pleased and boys wear their hair longer etc. He thrived in this environment, with caring people, in small classes. He would not have done as well had he been home schooled. Anyway, I do believe that these kids need to be home schooled OTHER THAN the small private remedial schools they are already attending. Their education is never ending. My son, at 26 yrs old, learns from the History channels on TV, the Technical information on the internet, and many many other things which we structure for him at home. So, education in the home environement, should be ongoing, no matter which schooling system the child is actually attending during the day. My son could not cope with uniforms, short school boy haircuts and the rigid system of standing in line to go to class, and basically the 40 plus pupils we have in South African schools. He has always wanted to learn, and still learns every day, but the rigid structures are not for this type of child.
Someone once made a comment about how our children chose us and that they come to us for a reason. It is helpful to share the burdens and solutions. I’m proud to be a part of a wonderful group of parents who do go the extra mile. God’s blessings to you all and keep up the good work, I do believe we are pioneers and I do believe we are making progress!
My 19 year old grandson has Asperbergers Syndrone
His school experience was very positive. His Middle school experience was great.
I contribute this to the principal and staff. I believe the key is to stay involved, know his teachers principal, special ed coordinator.
Nathan is 14yrs old he was diagnosed with Aspergers at 8yrs after spending 3yrs of Primary School in a Behaviour Support Unit seeing things he should not have been exposed to.
The nightmare to come started at Secondary School, he was sent home on the 4th day because the staff could not cope, he was regularly bullied, verbally and physically, he would run off and try to come home. Luckily one special Teaching Assistant (Rob) formed a bond with Nathan and gradually by the end of the first year there was an improvement. Starting the second year, unknown to me they drastically changed the support, replacing Rob with a new T.A. Nathan’s behaviour deteriorated over the term and he was blamed for his behaviour, culminating in him being excluded. Nathan hit back at a pupil who had hit him and when a teacher tried but failed to restrain him Nathan was accused of pushing the teacher, the school did not believe Nathan had been provoked and took no action against the other pupil, when i told the Headteacher of a dozen incidents where Nathan had been bullied/assaulted, he suggested i move him to another school. I took the school to a Disability Discrimination Tribunal, the Judge decided that Nathan’s deterioation was to be expected because of his disability and the school was not at fault as it was not expected to have any expertise in Aspergers !
So we moved Nathan to another mainstream school 5 miles away with a new Autism Centre attached, we thought he would be better understood, WRONG! One day he became so stressed that he tried to leave, he was physically restrained by two teachers, he went berserk so they locked him in a small room, he had a meltdown and trashed the room, he was excluded for his behaviour! (later retracted) I told the staff not to restrain or confine him again as it makes him worse but they did it another two times, he shattered a panel of safety glass in a panic to get out (they sent me the bill for repair.. later retracted) i told them it was barbaric, i kept him off school and threatened to home school him, the psycologist advised against this. Nathan went back after Christmas, the staff backed right off and left him to make his own choices, he chose not to go to any lessons (although in advanced Maths, top of Science and good at Technology and Media) they thought boredom would change his mind, a wasted term later WRONG! he became dissafected and frustrated, i was called almost every day to go and pick him up. I had kept in contact with Rob the T.A. from the previous school and he came to our rescue. Such was his commitment to Nathan, Rob changed his job and went to work with Nathan at school, now 6months later Nathan is back on track and doing well, he only does mornings at present and does not access all of the curiculum, although reports say he will not fulfill his potential he is a lot happier thanks to Rob, i cannot imagine where we would be without him.
In two years time Nathan will leave this school then i see only more problems ahead, The Education System and The Disability Discrimination Act have been no help to us in my opinion, in later life Nathan may well be haunted by his experiences and i fear he does not stand a chance in the real world.
I asked my 15 yr. old son with Asperger’s if he would like to weigh in on this, below is his response, I must admit, I am surprised, he has been asked to be home schooled. We try to instill that not everyoe is the same, some people (bullies) are lesser and as much as it hurts we move beyond and to ALWAYS let him know that he is always accepted with his family and our friends who have become his friends. Here is his response:
Yes, I would. Without public school, not to demean private school, I would have much worse social skills than I do. At some point everyone is going to have to interact with people, as distastful as that may be for some of us. No matter what your son or daughter says, how troubling school is, it is better to be awkward when you are still learning. I know that I am just now grasping some of the more complex social interactions, after 10 years of being in school. After someone leaves home, the don’t have a decade to adjust to interaction, and they will be hard-pressed to find decent employment that requires no interpersonal contact, let alone will they be able to date, or make friends to help them. Let them flounder while you are there to support them, so when they have to leave you, they can either function without a support system, or at least have enough skills to recruit one for themselves. If your children thought homeschooling was an option, I predict they will be disappointed, they may ask for homeschooling. I want to be homeschooled sometimes, but when I make the effort to look beyond how I feel and what I want, I see that public or private school is best. I know you know your kids better than I, but I’ll bet I understand how their brains work, and how it feels to be an Aspergian, better than anyone who doesn’t have it.
I have a 13 year old daughter who has Aspergers. She was just diagnosed earlier this year because one year ago she was hospitalized because of severe stress and anxiety which caused suicidal thoughts. This was bought about because of bullying and non acceptance by students and some teachers in the “private” school that she had been attending for years. We knew about the bullying (never physical), and had been talking to the teachers and administrators. Of course, the teachers never “saw” anything and would always put the blame on our daughter, saying that her reactions were extreme. We knew something was going on but could find no help from her current teachers. We were already debating whether to transfer her to a public school when everything went downhill. She started having problems sleeping, her appetite decreased and she started having what we called “confessions”, she started to almost obscess on things that she had done wrong. Little did we know that along with the picking she was having to endure at school, there was one teacher who told her that some of the things that she liked, Pokemon, stuff like that, that it was wrong. So, having Aspergers, she took it literal, that if she liked these things that the teacher said was wrong, then she must be bad. She never told us about this, she just would mention that some people said that some of the stuff she liked was wrong or bad and of course we told her that it wasn’t but that people are entitled to their opinions. We didn’t know what to do, she then expressed to me that she understood how the kids that killed themselves felt. That set the alarms ringing. We called and made an appointment with her doctor and spoke to her about self esteem and that we wanted to know what was bothering her. By then, it was too late, she had already shut herself down. Less then two weeks later, her schools principal came to me and told me that she was ok, but she was in the office. She had told the teacher that she wanted to take a gun and shoot herself and that she felt that there was someone else inside her. We called the doctor and took her to the hospital. After speaking to the counselor and the counselor talking to her, she was admitted for almost a week.
We did transfer her to the public school system here and I regret that we didn’t do it sooner! The school administrators, teachers and students have been WONDERFUL! They have been accepting of her and have worked with her and us to make her transistion a smooth one. We went through the process and she now has an IEP, we originally were only asking for accomodations, but they said that she qualified for the IEP. She still has rough days and its a day by day thing, but she is much better.
She will never be the same because of the torment she was put through, her self esteem and self worth were almost destroyed, but she has pulled herself up. We go to weekly counseling sessions to help with the depression and she is on medication that we hope to have her off of in another year.
Whether you choose private or public, try to research. You normally would think that a private school could accomodate a student, but its different within each system. For our experience, the private school system failed my daughter, while the public school system has lifted her up.
When I posted this on my Special Needs Homeschool Fb page (which feeds to twitter and linkedin) I didn’t expect it to go viral. I’ll take that credit. Just kidding! When I was here last, there were only 5 or 6 comments. I’ve had one post go viral (http://www.specialneedshomeschool.com/1/post/2011/11/aspie-attitude.html In case anyone is interested
and it was pretty exciting. I bet Dave is pretty excited about this too!!! Way to go Dave! Love your newsletters!
From what I read in the comments, most of you are being great and supportive about your individual choices and that’s nice to see.
Here’s my tale:
My family has many aspies. We have some that went through school, private school, home school, and online school. Each individual has a different way of learning and different family dynamics, making the educational choice an individual one too! All have become successful in their own way.
My eldest is an aspergen. The boy is a total genius. His educational choices have been mostly his choices, throughout his life. He was in public school for K-1 and I pulled him out due to lack of support in our local area. He’s so literal and naive that he got in trouble often. He was in fights, I was constantly getting calls from the school to pick him up. We did the ‘school at home’ approach for about a year and a half then I threw that out the window. That’s the one and only time it was our (Hubby and me) choice. The rest of his educational process were his decisions. We unschooled until he was 9 years old and he wanted to go back to school.
We enrolled him in a private school at that point and he was there for two years. No issues whatsoever but no supports either. He got by on his intelligence. Then he wanted to be homeschooled again, so we did. We unschooled him again until he hit high school age.
He choose to attend an online school done through the ministry of education. Next year he’ll graduate. He absolutely loves it.
I think schooling is more than the educational aspect and that’s where all the feelings and issues come from, when talking to parents. He always did well academically. The issues were the same no matter what situation he was in, just in differing degrees. He’s still my sweet naive and literal guy. However, the difference with homeschooling and schooling was striking in the social department.
Socializing in school was dramatizing. He was bullied, taken advantage of, and felt socially awkward. He often had fights because he was so loyal to the two friends he had, that he would stick up for them ferociously. He found things boring at times, the lack of being challenged was stifling, he didn’t see the point of repetitive learning, and it came out during his socializing time too.
At home, it was a totally different story. He joined clubs he was interested in, things that he could talk about for hours, with people that were also interested in those things. He had more time to volunteer at things he enjoyed. He volunteered at an immigration centre for two years and made many friends there. He is presently volunteering with fostering pets for new homes and at Special Olympics when we take his little brother. He has enjoyed things like horseback riding (we found a place really cheap!), chess, library clubs, drama clubs, choirs, art classes, photography classes, after-school programs, field trips, co-ops, etc….
The homeschool years brought in more socializing time then the school years. The field trips were phenomenal and the families were much more understanding of his differences. He has never felt the sting of being bullied, shunned, or depression during these years. There were times he was such a social butterfly that I wondered about the diagnosis.
Once when he was in army cadets (Canadian organization) I mentioned to him that he’s so tall compared to the rest of his brigade that he sticks out like a sore thumb. He replied, “Good thing I’m good looking then.” Nope, no issues in the self-esteem department here!
To sum up, we’ve been there, done that. He’s 17 years old, looking into graphic designing, a straight A student (EVERY semester), has a great group of kids to hang out with, a role model, responsible, creative, and my shining star.
I also have another son, he’s PDD-NOS. He’s never been in school. It wouldn’t suit his needs no matter what, so we homeschool him. He’s 12 years old and my other little shining star.
Each family has a different dynamic, each child is different, each choice is different. If you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met ONE person with autism. I think everyone is doing what they should be doing. It’s truly a family choice and I’m so very thankful we live in a country that allows all these choices!!
Just my hay-penny’s worth.
Thanks,
Jen B
I have been homeschooling my grandson who has high-functioning autism and superior range intelligence since K, after a disastrous six weeks in kindergarten. He had survived two years in a Head Start preschool, was receiving speech therapy and occupational therapy from the school system, but the daily bullying while he was trying so hard to fit in was not tolerable, and the teachers did not know what to do with him. He wasn’t eating or sleeping well, he kept saying 50 times a day “I’m died,” and “Is it going to be all right?” He has a strong aversion to restraint, and in this state and school district if a student, even a disabled student, hits or kicks a teacher (never mind if the teacher is assaulting him) they are charged with a felony. We discovered later that another student turned over a bookcase onto him. His hair was pulled, he was hit, taunted, head-butted, and we were told that “the other students are becoming hostile, so we are referring him to a self-contained special ed. class.”
That’s when I started to educate him at home. After he got over most of the PTSD from his public school experience, he was a voracious student. He is in fifth grade now, has been studying algebra and chemistry, was recently elected Community Service/Educational Outreach Coordinator for a Junior Master’s Gardener’s group, and played on a mainstream YMCA Youth Soccer team. He plays the piano, has participated in drama (lead in a Peter Pan class musical), and he loves to learn. He participates in activities and weekly Co-op classes with the local homeschool association, which has well over 300 children active in it.
Keeping this child in these schools would only have led to the addition of severe traumatization to his developmental disorder. Nobody needs that. It is common here to put autism spectrum children into unsupervised padded rooms, to restrain them, and only last summer did the school board decide to stop the practice of corporal punishment (paddling) by principals. Their reasoning was that it was a liability; someone might sue them.
We expect that Ben will go to graduate school as his primary interests are in science. He has handwriting difficulties but is good at keyboarding. If we had kept him in the local schools here, they would have thought they had done an exceptionally good job if he was able to bag groceries at the local supermarket when he grows up. That would not have been a good fit for his abilities.
I have no need to defend homeschooling. I personally think that the public schools here are so bad, I wouldn’t subject my dogs to the kind of treatment that the children get. It would make them vicious. Sorry.
I commend you for being such a wonderful teacher and advocate:)
Hi my son is 7 & he is in mainstream in the UK, he is treated as the naughty child & it breaks my heart to see him try to make friends but gets constantly rejected……… and then he gets called the instigator!! His 2 best friends at school stangely enough have both been diagnosed with ADHD and the school tell me its his friens teaching him bad habits. AGHHHH make me so mad the ignorance of it all x
I started homeschooling my son last year, in the middle of sixth grade. We’d been having problems in public school for several years, but he was so heavily bullied, both verbally and physically, that he was miserable. He threw up at least once per day. The school, whose principal maintained that they had no bullies, put the onus entirely on him to identify and report the bullying. The fact that children he didn’t know were punching and kicking him during class changes was a problem he was supposed to solve somehow. He had worked hard to get into this school; an audition was required because it’s the local district’s art magnet. On top of all this, he’s 2E. I was spread too thin trying to get him the academic help he needed (his 504 was gutted while there) and trying to keep him safe. Meanwhile, he wasn’t learning anything. His teachers claimed to have experience with Aspies, but everything they said and did indicated the opposite. (The next year, this school won a national award because they didn’t have a bullying problem. I suppose that proves denying reality does pay off for some people.)
Once home, I found that my son hadn’t been learning as well as the schools claimed. In 7th grade, I had to start math at the very beginning with basic addition. I shudder to think what would have happened in high school if we hadn’t started homeschooling and giving him a better foundation in key skills such as grammar and math.
As for socialization, the only kind he received in public school was negative. Furthermore, he hadn’t had a friend at school since third grade. He does see friends he’s made through his social skills group, so he still has friends.
We live in a very large, urban school district. All of the school age Aspies we know are in charter or private schools. While there probably are school districts that are willing to work with parents, my experiences indicate we don’t live in one.
My 15-year-old daughter has been homeschooled since kindergarten, following two years of part-time preschool during which she was electively mute. Like many other posters’ children, she tried regular (private) school for several months at one point, but she experienced a toxic mix of boredom and anxiety which left her completely and utterly exhausted and badly depressed. She asked to return home within three months.
Academically, my daughter has always had as many ideas about what she wanted to do and learn as I have had for her. Even in kindergarten she was a partner in creating her curriculum; now as a tenth grader she is entirely in charge of her own learning. She’s teaching herself Latin and algebra II, reading science books by an English mathematician and scientist, watching Teaching Company lecture courses and documentaries on areas of history that interest her (mainly the British Civil War and the Enlightenment and the two World Wars), and powering through a long list of classic literature of her own choosing; she’s now reading the unabridged Les Miserables, all 1400 pages of it.
I am careful that her learning is not all home and book-based. In the past year we’ve made trips to the Huntington Library, a map museum, an exhibit on gems and minerals, an aerospace museum where my dad works, an exhibit of Gainsborough paintings, and an exhibit on cell biology. We attend occasional university lectures — the most recent was on piracy and the British Empire, with an associated special collections exhibit. We see a ton of theater, as this is one of my daughter’s main interests, and go to as many associated lectures, open readings, and actor chats as are offered. In the spring when she turns 16, she’ll be eligible to work in her father’s marine chemistry lab.
What has worked for us best has to separate social learning from academics — which is precisely what is not possible in a school environment. Social stress and anxiety is what for my own daughter complicates and derails academic learning, as her early muteness in preschool showed. When she went to a very small homeschool co-op part-time for several years, it worked so brilliantly largely because the academic level was very easy, allowing her to devote her energies to understanding social relations and maneuvers, and to tentative social initiatives with the kids. The co-op stressed lots of play time for kids, lots of field trips, weekly art days. I was given the opportunity to teach science for a year and a half, which allowed me to observe the group dynamics and help my daughter understand social aspects of the co-op at home.
For the past several years she has been riding and jumping horses. This has proven to be the most perfect social learning ground we possibly could have found (plus it gives her core muscle workouts, fine motor work, balance work, and all sorts of physical benefits). With riders of many ages and occupations all brought together by their love of horses, she has flourished. The particular riding school we found stresses student responsibility and co-learning, so my daughter has had the chance to work at summer camp helping little kids; she had a work-study position for three years where she helped care for the horses, went to classes on treating wounds, watched the vet and farrier, and generally was offered huge amounts of trust, responsibility, and praise. She is now being asked to help out with office work and with exercising the horses. She had her first sleepover with one of the young women she rides with.
This is expensive stuff, so my husband, also an Aspie, has learned to give electro-magnetic wave therapy to the horses and is working at the stables about 12 hours a week. Like my daughter, he is thriving; he shares her intense bond with the animals, and like her he finds it easier to socialize in an environment where people are brought together around a particular self-chosen interest.
Although my daughter is very rule-bound and socially conservative — she would raise her hand at the dinner table when she was six because she said it made her “feel safe” — and she loved to play school with her dolls when she was little, the reality of school did not fit with her intellectual passions and creativity. I think she will thrive in a small college with a strong social support network, and that’s what we’re currently aiming for. But if she is less anxious and happier elsewhere, I have no doubt that she’ll pursue intellectual quests on her own all her life. This is probably the best part of a homeschooling lifestyle for us: reading and learning are not separated from the rest of life, but integral parts of what we would choose to do every day regardless of our circumstances.
Hello Dave Angel you have been a great gift to me. I have a 12 year old boy. Who hasstruggled with his disability of aspergers and adhd sence he was in pre school where he was beatin in the bathroom by the teacher and while playing on the floor he also told me she would hit him on the head with woodenblocks glue bottles. Wooden sticks. I tried to do somthing about but I was a mom al alnoe and had no money and thay told me not to fight the system I’ll loose. My son made through second grade where thay wanted to send him to a socalled special needs school in side of another school. This surely was hell where thay had a time out room and they had ropes {so called restraints} if needed. Never in my dreams did believe that thay would use them on my child. If he started to have a melt down thay would put him in this 4by 8 ft room with a door with a long slender window for viewing thay would not. Let my son out till he calmed down.which usually went to him wetting his pants .there were a lot of so called accidents happenening. Till thay asked to
,,have some extra clothes at school.After that the predator finally made her move .My son wet pants after a melt down and the para molested him,putting his penis inher mouth and fondeling him. I donKt know how many times or how many other children she did this to.I called the police and a full investigation began and then suddedly she dissapeared not to be found.My son then went into another special needs school that was developed by a lady who devoted her life to special needs kids my son did well there for a while and soon was attacked by another student and choked in lunch line. Then he was head butted by another in the face and was knocked out. We moved my son to yet another school in a school where he was verbally abused by the teachers ,telling him that thay were going to get him sent to a foster home if he didn’t behave. We took him out oot f ther and we had to send. Him back to the previous school which had been cleaned up a lot. He spend half year ther and we found a IBAC school and basiclly had his own teacher he did very well there .this year he was put in another IBAC school and was doing okay until that replaced the administator with one that was going to so straiten this place up .I the hasting down everyday. Thay try to get my son to do thing by keeping his breakfast or lunch from him called the police on the children and has caused so much anxeity there the kids are melting down everyday.the day thay called the police on my son. He was tring to hide which is somthing he dose when he has a lot of anxeity. Thay are suppose to give him his space when he is having the happen but the new person dosent believe in this and dosent allow the others to do the things thay need to do. Like spinning or rolling ,rocking etc. My son dosent need a record for something he can’t control. I can’t take the abuse any longer. I an now going to home school my son. With a virtual learning school I think this is a great gift and I know my son will be safe. Thank You all very much and sorry for any booboos I typed this on my phone.
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My 5 year old grandson was diagnosed with pdd I believe he has aspergers. All the teachers say he is very intelligent but struggle to understand his behaviors. I have said repeatedly to not touch when already agitated yet last week he would not go to cool area…so they picked him up..receiving multiple scratches..kicks..spit on..screaming obscenities. Now they want a meeting to discuss alternative placement because he is not allowed to harm others…I don’t know what to do…he is a sweetheart and all kids in the hallways always say hi I need to find someone who knows not only how to learn how to teach him and also understand the school system in Illinois
My son, 13, is high-functioning and is main-streamed. When I sought a 504 plan (for a mental/physical issue) for him in 6th grade, I was told the teachers saw no problems with him. (IEPs are only for learning-disabled children). I know he’s polite, pleasant and gets good grades. They didn’t see what an exhausted mess he was when he came home. In 7th grade, he suffered some anxiety-related illnesses, but again the school sees no problem. He’s doing ok this year in 8th grade at our high school, but the day is hard — the crowds, the lights, the noise, the rushing from class to class. So without an IEP or 504 plan, I have to write a letter to each of his teachers, the nurse, the principals, etc., explaining his Asperger’s and his IBS, which of course, gets worse when he’s stressed out. Finally, this year, the nurse wrote us a health plan explaining everything and what the teachers should do. It’s a step, which no one in the school system had told me about til now. He has found a home and a terrific group of kids in marching band. I had talked to the teacher last year, feeling he wasn’t ready to march & explaining AS, but he encouraged me to let my son try. After a disastrous time in football in 6th grade, I was nervous. But with the band, my son has a place he feels safe in the school. It just gets tiring to have to write the letters and explain everything year after year, when a 504 plan would solve all that. I will say, that he does seem to be assigned the nicer, gentler teachers, which is good. And I don’t think that’s just a coincidence. He has also started telling kids he has AS and explaining it, and the kids are ok with it. I was really proud of him for that. He wants to be cyber-schooled at home, mostly because of the crowds and the rushing, but he needs to stay with his friends and have the socialization.
Hi Wendy, I went to my daughter’s physician. She recommeded we see a psychiatrist for a proper diagnosis. We see the psychiatrist only for medications. We also have a psychologist for talk therapy. So far, I’ve read a few of the posts on this sight and I have yet to come across someone saying they see a psychologist. For my high-functioning, recently diagnosed daughter, this has been extremely helpful. It gives her a place that she feels safe that is not her family where she sometimes didn’t feel safe because she has a tough time reading my face.
For a little background, my 13 year old daughter was diagnosed in the spring of 2011. Like I said, she is high-functioning, however, her biggest issues are the social piece and the completing homework. In fact, on most tests in school, she scores really high in all of her classes, but is failing the classes because she doesn’t do her homework. We currently have a 504 plan in place and tomorrow morning I’m meeting with the guidance councelor to have it updated to meet her current needs. My daughter is in the public school system in our district. I feel as if they care if she succeeds but often don’t follow through. I have to stay on top of what the teachers and office staff aren’t doing and then they pay attention to my daughter again because she is failing. Also, having a girl in her teenage years can be quite a rollercoaster emotionally, never mind the rollercoaster of her grades. What works best for my daughter is praise. If she thinks a teacher really cares about her or likes her, she wants to do the right thing for them. Not herself, for them. Each year I meet with my daughter’s teachers and they are perplexed how to deal with her lack of caring about her homework and each year I have to tell them how to teach my daughter. Blows my mind.
Thanks for listening.
I am the mother of a teen (nearly 15) who has Aspergers. We live in the western suburbs of Sydney in Australia. My son attends mainstream school and is currently in year 9. He was not diagnosed until he was in year 7 of high school. I always thought that there was something amiss with him, but everyone kept telling me that he was just a complex child. It was the principal of the high school that told me what the problem with him could be, after my son had gotten himself into trouble and suspended from school. I am very grateful for all the help that they have given to my son and myself. I had an opportunity to move him to a special placement class at another school, but the logistics did not favour us. Our school has now several students attending who have Aspergers and have introduce various programs to cater for them. My son will be continuing at school until he finishes his Higher School Certificate (18 years of age) and is looking to doing further studies in Graphics Technology. They have also held programs at the school for parents to help us cope with Aspergers. I have the highest praise for the school.
Does mainstream education work for your child? My son is six and african american in a predominantly white school and I have more anxiety for him than he demonstrates. I do not know if he is bullied but I know he is sometimes treated like he is invisible and that hurts just as much. I am waiting for the day where he has a meltdown about going to school….sometimes I wish there was a classroom camera so I could better judge his progress!!
What are the positives? The positive is that he gets to grow and figure some things out on his own. I want my son to be independent and self reliant….what other choices are there…I don’t have the salary for special private school!
What are the negatives? It’s the not knowing that gets me! I can truly relate to the one parent about school bus trips…my son came back from one without a shoe and his jacket and no one knew what happened. I was extremely upset and he will not go on another trip without me, his dad or granny! You tell the teachers and aides and it’s like they do not get it! There is such apathy that it drives me crazy and I have thought homeschooling may be better in the future before the real bullying and hazing starts!
How is the academic side, and how is the social side? His academics is what keeps the teachers interested and it’s the social skills that causes ostracism and sadness of my son.
Do you have a particular story to illustrate your point? My son will occasionally tell me that he does not have any friends and he can’t speak right and it pierces my heart. I tell him that he can always talk to me and that I will ALWAYS wait for him to get his words out. Then we will work on his group social skills…..He is my JOY!
I haven’t had time to read everything here, so forgive me if I repeat something that has already been said. I have been on the home-school / regular school fence for quite some time. My son is in school, regular classes, with a child-specific aide. We see good things happening but we have had to fight the school system every step of the way. So many people say, “Keep fighting! It will be so helpful to those that follow!” but I am not willing to sacrifice my son’s happiness for that.
This year, it came down to a choice. Do we homeschool or continue in public school? There are benefits to both and there are drawbacks to both. What were we going to do? My son is 13 and in the 7th grade. We decided he was old enough to give us his input. So we asked him. He wanted to stay at school because his friends are there. He didn’t want to be home alone (he is an only child, so his main socialization is at school). He knows the issues he faces at school, he deals with it every day, but he wanted to keep trying. So, we allowed it with the caveat that if we did not see some improvement or signs of him trying to improve, then we were going to bring him home. It has been an excellent motivator for him this year. He is taking guitar class and has recently joined the fencing club at school. His behavior and “meltdowns” have lessened and he is making great strides in learning to find the tools he needs to help him cope in the classroom. After all, he is in this world at a disadvantage, he must learn the tricks it will take for him to navigate it once he is out in the world. I think, in whatever way it works for a child, learning to navigate the school system can be useful out in the world.
I’m noticing in these posts, that if we find an activity or two that our aspie kids do well at, public school seems to get better for them. I know my son wouldn’t make it through the day without band.
I have a 10 year old son who was diagnosed with Aspergers a year ago. I live in Venezuela, a country where there is no home-schooling available, but I have been very fortunate with the public school he attends. My son is a calm, very intelligent, reading lover boy with no aggresive behaviour, so that has helped him. At the end of grade 3 he told me the other students had been annoying him and not including him in their play groups for 2 years!!! It all started when a teacher would blame him when he complained about other students annoying him, then the next teacher used him as a “good” example and why couldn’t the other students be like him!!! I talked and changed him to the “A” group instead of the “B” group (the same grade but divided into 2 groups as there were too many students). He had a man teacher who throughout the year managed to include my son socially with the new group, explain to them why he acts differently at times and they accept him now as he is, and I have witnessed the students calling him to play with them in recess. His biggest problem is not wanting to write at school: But, if the teacher knows it, and I do too, why should I write it???
He is an expert on the computer, and loves reading enciclopedias on internet, so has a vast knowledge of many subjects!
Today I talked to a specialist at the school about help with therapies and she was very interesting in helping and even offered more frecuently than I was going to ask for!!! (I had been told she’s from highschool and couldn’t attend primary students).
I am a bit worried about high school in 2 years time (if he still won’t copy any work), but I think the secret is get to know the teachers well and prepare them for what they need to know to work successfullywith our Asperger kids!
When my son, now 10, entered gr1, I was informed by his class teacher that he would not make gr1. I was offered various options by the school, as well as pointed to special needs schools. But because my son was extremely stressed and emotional, I decided to go the homeschool route. This I have done for the past three years. I arranged for him to partake in as many as 6 different extra-murals, to interact with other children, and make friends. However, I was not aware of the fact that he has Aspergers, and my son dropped 5 of his extra-murals to my dismay. The 6th activity, gymnastics, I told him I refused to cancel. Since discovering his disibility, I have stopped homeschooling, because I was alarmed at just how small my son had made his world, in which he could do as he wanted, and persue only one or two interests. I also found it increasingly difficult to work with him. He did the absolute minimum required school work, and would just jump and jump on the trampoline. For the past 5 months he has been enrolled in a special needs programme at a private school, with many autistic children, or children on the spectrum. I must admit, I do have my regrets about not having him at this school earlier, because he is now very behind academically, and had to start Gr 1 all over again. On the other hand, it was good aswell to have given his system a break from the pressures of main stream school, and peers that neither understood him, and laughed at him. It takes I very special tutor or teacher and programme, to sucsessfully work with Aspies, and I just did not have that expertise, and I could not do it on my own.
I understand why people would say homeschooling is not a good idea for kids with Aspergers, but in my family it became a necessity. I can’t even begin to talk about all the horrible experiences my oldest son had in the public schools. He wasn’t even learning anything because he was suffering so much anxiety. We couldn’t move, because our house wouldn’t sell, and we couldn’t afford a private school. I decided to go with an online school. I teach both of my boys (who both have Aspergers) at home, and they still both get special education services because the online school is essentially a public charter school. I can’t even tell you the differences I’ve seen. Anxiety has gone down and I have two happy boys, instead of two miserable boys. They’re both doing well academically and making such progress! Yes, it’s difficult homeschooling two boys with Aspergers, but it’s worth the miraculous change I’ve seen since they’ve stopped going to public school. Maybe in other areas there are better programs or better public schools, but as long as we’re in our area I will NEVER consider sending them into that experience again. For social interaction they both go to Cub Scouts and other activities where they can interact with typical peers, and I don’t feel that they’re missing out on learning social skills. In fact, they interact much better with other children than they did before, mainly because they don’t have the school anxieties they did before. Homeschooling with Aspergers is tough, but it’s also possible and can be a positive solution in situations like we were in.
Hi i have a 7 year old son who has Aspergers and is in mainstreem school with an IEP in place he is doing well this year with his iEP. I decided to do something called Nerofeedback for my son and the results have been awsome and was wondering if anyone out there has tried it, we have been doing it twice a week now for about six months and we went from having daily temper tantrums, and emensce emotional reactivity, lots of anxiety, sensory issues,some aggression in tantrums, severe motion sickness when he rode in the car to him now being able to go on long car rides with no puking, temper tantrums few and far between, much less anxiety, no aggression at all and an all around graeter understanding of others and there feelings i cant say enough good things about nero feedback i am a beleiver and woul highly recommend it to anyone with an aspergur child.
Hello All, we have a 24 yrs young son, who was diagnosed at age 3,under broader spectrum of Autism, and eventually High Functioning (Asperger). We had special needs teacher’s assistant approved by the local School Board. Which was o.k, some what helpful, until elementary school.We did not wish for Amil being labelled as special needs in High school, so we opted not to have any TA. We spend a lot of time at home doing role modelling and reverce phychology etc, etc. There were lots of challanges and still are. He finished his Under Grad Degree with Double Majors and was on scholorship for last 3 years. First year we put him through Collage and he transferred to UBC in the second year. He has finished 70% of his pre req for starting his Articles with a CA firm. This is a first time he is taking time off from school.I run my own business and in the new year he is going to work with me.( social interaction) He has limited social life and still goes through his outbursts, but these temper tantrums are not as frequent. Both my wife and I, educated ourselves about Asperger by reading a lot and did put him through some social forum’s moderated by a Phychologist with training in this field. Every time he is thinking or processing thought that brings back some unpleasent memories, the word in our house is Delete and then Defrag. He is the only child and we were told that by age 10 to 15 he may have to be institutionalised. All I can say is dont ever give up, these children are gifted, kind, sensitive and reinforce that all of us have different mind sets and dont necessarily get along with everyone either, why because we all can look at the same thing and see it differently. Having to process the thoughts not the same way as others do, does not make them any different, as a matter of fact makes them special. Make them understand that there is nothing wrong with living inside the box than outside of it. Work hard on their self esteem and prepare them for surprises. We are very proud of him. Dont ever give up. Regards.
Syed Shah.( Vancouver BC Canada)